


Open Log

by DarkSakura



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AU, Diary, F/M, Gen, Journal, Mass Effect - Freeform, playback
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-19
Updated: 2014-04-16
Packaged: 2017-11-29 19:28:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 32,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/690586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkSakura/pseuds/DarkSakura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a series of journal entries by Jana Shepard, recording the more personal side of her experiences through the war against the Reapers. For me, this is a nice way to line up my headcanon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Start

It was over. Earth was a ruined mess, but it still had people, and there were dead Reapers already being broken down to study. Whatever happened on the Citadel, Shepard did it.  
Garrus Vakarian maintained his vigil outside of the emergency surgery ward, daring anyone to tell him to move. He didn't relax until Alliance guards were stationed outside of the entrance. It'd already been an hour, and he was positive he'd be there quite a few more. The memory came unbidden as he sat there waiting. 

  
_"Hey, I'm transferring my journals to you," she said, playing with her omnitool._

  
_"Haven't you already told me the big things?" he asked, curious._

  
_"You're one of the few people I'd trust with my private thoughts," Jana told Garrus. "Keep that part of me with you if I can't be there."_

  
He forced himself to look away from the door and set the audio journal to play through his eyepiece.

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
New ship, new journal log. One chapter closed, another open.

  
Let's get the usual bullshit out of the way, the same way I've been doing it since I was eight.

  
My name is Jana Shepard. I'm 29 years old. I was born 11th April, 2154 on the Alliance Frigate _Odyssey_ to Solomon and Hannah Shepard, both officers in the Alliance Navy. My father died in 2176 during the Skyllian Blitz while on shore leave, having brought a small resistance group together and survived just long enough for reinforcements to arrive. My mother is still alive and is currently XO on the _SSV Kilimanjaro_. I am a graduate of the Systems Alliance N7 special forces program (5923-AC-2826), rank Commander, and have been assigned to the experimental _SSV Normandy_ as XO under Captain David Anderson.

  
There, introduction done.

  
This ship is amazing, a gorgeous piece of machinery. Pretty amazing what different races can do when we work together. The best human and turian engineers worked together on this baby, and it shows in the sleek design (definitely turian-influenced), its speed, and its defensive capabilities. I could definitely enjoy calling this thing home for a while if the testing lasts long enough.

  
I served under Captain Anderson once before for a short stint, and he seemed to like what I have to offer, given he picked me as his XO personally. No matter how much someone goes through, there's always something to learn, and I'm pretty damn sure I can learn a lot from him. He's a soldier to his core, but he understands the politics that come with his position, the skills of delegation and diplomacy, not just with other species' dignitaries, but with those under his command. He doesn't give lip service; he does his job and lives by his code, and everyone could stand to have someone like him in their lives. I'm fortunate. He reminds me a lot of Dad.

  
We're on our way to Oma Ker now to pick up a Spectre, Nihlus Kryik. I've read up on him. Hell of a soldier. Spectres can be intimidating to a lot of people because of the power and authority they have, but to be honest, I'm more excited to meet him, to learn about him and his work. Not sure why a Spectre would be on for a shakedown run to Eden Prime, so I'm expecting trouble. Love to see him in action.

  
Shit, I have a meeting with Captain Anderson in five. Time to wrap this up.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
It's all gone to shit overnight. Quick version: Nihlus is dead, shot in the back by another turian Spectre named Saren Arterius. Corporal Richard Jenkins is dead (good kid, damn shame), and we've taken on Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams from the 212 on Eden Prime. The geth are attacking for some damn reason, and it's all because of that Spectre, Saren, and this Prothean beacon that was uncovered outside of the colony.

  
Kaidan got too close to that thing (more on him later), and well, I had the brilliant idea of shoving him out of the way. Now there's visions of death, fire, explosions, blood... all of it is swimming in my head. I see it when I close my eyes. I feel the deaths, and it shakes me to my core. It's like reliving Akuze again, only on a scale so much larger. What's coming? Is it a warning? We're going to the Citadel to talk to the Council, warn them about what Saren is up to.

  
Nihlus. The only comfort I can think of in his death is that he doesn't have to live knowing his comrade betrayed him. A friend of mine who'd been stationed at the Alliance outpost on Palaven told me once about their concept of "spirits", not like in the sense of souls, but the energy around a group. I'd like to think his is still a part of the _Normandy_. If I can avenge him, I will.

  
That leads me to the next bit. I'm up for Spectre candidacy. Me. I'm no one special, just another soldier. Yeah, I've seen (and survived) some crazy shit, but so have many others. The galaxy isn't all sunshine and roses, and I'm not the only one to have seen the darker side. There's some horrible people out there who do atricious things. That's never going to go away, no matter how many ideals we try to hold on to and enforce. What did Hobbes say in  Leviathan? Life is "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short" without central authority. I don't buy that exactly. I think that life without self-discipline and higher ideals is wretched, that turning to selfishness and abuse of power leads to that sort of life. People assume Spectres are prone to that brand of corruption, that undisciplined power will corrupt. Maybe that's what happened with Saren. Nihlus wasn't like that.

  
Ugh, my head is pounding. Stupid beacon. I think I'm going to try one of the pills Dr Chakwas gave me and get some shut-eye before my shift.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Fuck the Council, seriously. I'm not feeling very gracious right now.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Garrus Vakarian. C-Sec officer, turian, and a damn good shot. I met him outside of the Council's chambers earlier today. Little did I know he'd be shooting someone in the head the next time I saw him. Sure, I was pissed off. It was a hostage situation and he took a big risk shooting Fist's thug while he was holding on to Dr Michel.

  
Garrus is hot-headed and definitely idealistic and eager, but I like him. He was already on Saren's trail, so working with him seems like the best option. He's got a wicked sense of humor and seems different from most other turians I've met. I think we'll work well together.

  
Also met a krogan named Urdnot Wrex. He's pretty much as krogan as they get, but he didn't get too pissed off when I shot Fist. Pretty honorable sort, actually. He's working with me, too.

  
The last piece of the puzzle is this poor quarian kid named Tali'Zora nar Rayya. I haven't had a chance to talk to many quarians, and this one's been chatty ever since we saved her from those assholes trying to take what intel she had. She's got the proof we need to have Saren's Spectre status stripped. Dr Michel is treating an infection Tali got when she took a shot in the arm.

  
We're off to the Council next. Udina (asshole) is at least good for getting us their ear.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Holy shit. I'm a Spectre. Anderson is staying behind. The _Normandy_ is mine.

  
Garrus, Wrex, and Tali are with me. Williams doesn't trust them, but she'd also never spent time around many aliens. Alenko seems all right, though I wonder if he doesn't have some lingering issues about turians.

  
Time to nail Saren.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard's personal log continues. This will pretty much continue up through the events of the first Mass Effect. Still trying to decide if I'm keeping this canon or really deviating, so consider it AU for now.

[Open Log]

  
Whoever thought to stock up on real food before we left was a genius. Too bad we didn't stock up on dextro rations for our resident turian and quarian. We've got a few tubes of nutrient paste, but I think we'll make a pit stop to get something edible for them on our way to Artemis Tau.

  
Okay, time for a review of my new crewmates, and then a little more on the old ones. Trigger Cross-reference with Extranet, dossiers, and my report file. [START]

  
Thanks to Tali, I have a new favorite word: _bosh'tet_. It's like idiot and asshole all rolled into one rewarding verbal package. She's cute, muttering to herself while she helps in engineering. Adams says she's a natural and a great asset. I suppose living on a ship most of your life might make you adept at its maintenance.

  
She's on something she calls her "pilgrimage". [Access Notes for More Info] It's a pretty interesting system they have out there, not just to prepare them for adulthood, but to provide for their fleet. There's a lot that most people don't know about quarians. For example, if you find one wounded in the field, do NOT take off the face mask or you run a risk of infection. If you find one dead, check their omnitool for ID and don't remove the face mask, this time out of respect for the dead. At any rate, I promised her that if we found information on the geth that would be of value to the Migrant Fleet, she could take it. She's already been a massive help.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
Wrex. Can't help it, I like him. Tough S.O.B. he is, too. No nonsense, says it like he sees it, and he's amazingly observant. He's not just a living tank (no offense to elcor intended), he's got a sharp mind, fast reflexes, and a wicked sense of humor. I don't know, I get a sort of "big brother" vibe from him. I'm okay with that. A lot of people are afraid of the krogan and with good reason, but if even a quarter of them are like Wrex, then we sure could use them. I'm glad Wrex is on our side.

  
I don't really know what to think of Garrus. He has a healthy respect for me and my position, but he has a very unhealthy relationship with rules and regulations. I haven't always done things by the book, but I try to stick to protocol as much as possible. It's there for a reason. I hope while we're working together, he can get this out of his system. He's got a strong sense of justice, which I like, but he needs a bit more discipline. Hell of a shot, though. I have a feeling he'll be with me on the bulk of our ground work.

  
On a personal note, I wouldn't mind listening to him read the Citadel directory to me. I wonder if he sings.

  
Williams spends most of her time in the hangar with Garrus and Wrex, working on the guns. I would call her xenophobic in the purest sense of the word: afraid of aliens. Maybe not fear, but an almost irrational distrust. Given what I saw in her record, I can't really blame her, but she needs to get over it. Perhaps the time she spends with Garrus and Wrex will help her relax around other species. I'll bring her with Alenko on a few missions at first, and then see how she works in combat with Wrex or Garrus.

  
Speaking of Alenko, he's... nice. Really personable, but he's a fearsome biotic in combat. I like having him at my back. He's really trustworthy and has a good sense of where the crew is. I think he might have a bit of a judgmental side, but hey, most people do and don't like to admit it. We've been spending a bit of time going over biotic strategies and working out ways to use our abilities in tandem. The Alliance could use a good training program for combat biotics, not like what Kaidan went through as a kid.

  
Navigator Charles Pressly is a xenophobe in the general sense. He doesn't like turians and keeps making remarks about Garrus that personally, I wish he'd keep to himself. Pressly was there when my dad died. He's experienced and resourceful, and he makes a damn fine XO, so I'm doing my best to be diplomatic about our alien comrades. At the very least, he's being professional with them, and I appreciate it.

  
Joker. Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau. Good lord, what a character. I actually am pretty glad not everyone has a stick up their ass about rank. While there needs to be respect for the chain of command, I'd rather everyone on the ship be comfortable with each other. Joker seems to know just how far to push the line without crossing over. He's also the best helmsman I've ever met, so I'll let it slide. He's also getting along famously with the rest of the crew, and everyone seems to like him. He's already pulled our collective ass out of the fire.

  
End report cross-reference. [END]

  
Then there's me. They're all looking to me. I'm not going to let them down.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
If I never have to be in another dig site, I'll be a happy camper.

  
We came to Therum to find Liara T'Soni, the daughter of Matriarch Benezia. Not only were we hoping she might have some intel on her mother, but she's also an expert on the Protheans. She's very formal and socially awkward, like many scholars I've met. I think spending time with the rest of the crew will help her loosen up a bit, as soon as they get around to trusting her. Get her started on something she knows about or is interested in, however, and you can't get her to stop! Liara seems sincere, and she's definitely frustrated and confused by her mother's behavior.

  
I think the sooner we get to Noveria, the better.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
This place is freezing! Thank goodness the heating system is as strong as it is.

  
We've had a lot of running around to do, helping this investigator with Noveria Internal Affairs, Gianna Parasini. I like her. She loves her job. Hell, I loved helping her take down that Anoleis character. (Note to self: Do all salarians have names that long?) This whole thing strikes a nerve with me. People with power abusing their position, buying off the loyalties of other people (like that ERCS guard, Kaira Stirling), and thinking their position will grant them immunity -- the lot of it pisses me off.

  
I suppose I can relate to Garrus and his issues with red tape. These people are getting away with sometimes literal murder while the bureaucracy protects them. Maybe he's got a strong enough sense of self and justice that letting him off the C-sec leash won't be a bad thing. He's already proven himself in battle and saved my ass after a shot took out my shields earlier. It's time to rethink.

  
We've got our garage pass now; just waiting for the Mako to warm up, and then we're going out to get Benezia.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard's personal log continues, going over the Noveria and Feros missions. I'm keeping this mostly canon, only a few headcanon bits popping up. For the most part, I'm really enjoying exploring some of what Shepard had to be thinking, the things said in private.

[Open Log]

  
I have a few things I really Do Not Like. Unethical scientists are up towards the top. Corporations who buy people off and get away with sometimes literal murder are up there, too. Oh, and politicians. Don't let me forget that.

  
I've had all of the above on this mission. I hate doing the clean up after other people's fuck-ups. I'll do them (someone has to), but I don't have to be happy about it. I can't even be mad at the scientists, not really, not when it was their bosses sitting back reaping the benefits. I think those corporate types are up there at the top of my shit list.  
So are crazy asari that try to kill me and my squad when we're doing all of that clean up.

  
The really bad part of this wasn't even all of the clean up, all of the politics, the scientists, their bosses; it was the look on Liara's face when we finally met up with Benezia. Actually, no, it was the look on her face when Benezia broke free of the control Saren had on her. The entire ride back to Port Hanshan, I kept thinking about how I would feel if it was my mother, seeing her betray everything she believed in and having it turn out to not even be her will.

  
I think my mother would expect me to do as we did with Benezia, to put her down and keep her from being a threat. No one should have to live without control over themselves.

  
She gave us a chance. We're closer than we were.

  
Then there's the rachni. Apparently science couldn't leave well enough alone and hatched a queen's egg. I know how awful the wars were before, but this one, there was sincerity. I think she understands the dire situation of her kind. There's also a very strong desire on my part to not re-commit genocide, so I let her go.

  
I've been with Liara in that little office behind the Medbay. She maintains a very strong (if awkward) front when the others are around, but she broke down into sobs there with me. I know what it's like to lose a parent. I was still young when my dad died, but the overwhelming emptiness that remains is pretty universal. Worse for her, she saw it happen.  
Dr Chakwas finally came in and gave Liara a sedative to help her rest, and I'm going to go do the rounds with the crew. Hopefully the supplies we managed to obtain on Noveria will be put to good use (namely the alcohol).

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Ooooh, my head. Seriously. I love/hate Ryncol. Wrex insisted that I water it down with something else, and thankfully I did. I vaguely remember him laughing his ass off when I was in the middle of passing out.

  
It's so... _green_.

  
My rounds ended up as they usually do with me in the hangar chatting with some of the squad. Williams -- Ashley seemed sorry for giving Liara a hard time in our debriefing once she realized the situation our resident archaologist was in. She ended up talking to me about her family, and a lot made sense. Wrex came in and told me about his father and losing his family armor. Garrus joined in and told us about his dad and C-Sec. Kaidan came down and we all ended up drinking and talking about family and past experiences.

  
I also now know that Garrus has the longest tongue of anyone on the team, which makes me a bit envious of turian women. Not that I'm thinking about him _that_ way.

  
At any rate, seems we're getting Ashley a bit over her issues when she saw that our aliens on board are really people like anyone else. They're a product of their culture and their genes, yes, but I still like to think of what my mom says. She said, "Every species has assholes. Every species has some good people. Treat everyone with respect, and don't suffer bullshit from assholes."

  
My mother is a wise wise woman.

  
Anyway, Ash is a good person. She doesn't take shit, but she's willing to put her mistrust aside at my say so. She's loyal to friends, family, and team. She follows her orders well and with intelligence, questioning when she needs to. I owe her some leave since I understand she's the one that got me to my quarters after I passed out on Kaidan's arm.

  
Kaidan is a good guy. I know, I said it before. I'm getting to know him better as a person and... hell, I'm interested. Alliance regs don't really go well on a ship that has alien crew, and he's professional enough that if he's as interested as I think he is, there shouldn't be a problem. Regardless, I have concerns bigger than my love life.

  
Let's also hope I'm not all broken from the lack of activity in my bed.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Been a few weeks.

  
Crew morale is still nebulous, so while we're waiting for the intel on our next big mission and the research about the Mu Relay, I'm taking the crew out for jobs here and there. When we hit Tuntau, Wrex decided to inform me then and there that he was coming because his family armor was there.

  
Have I said before how scary krogan can be when they've got heavy motivation? Imagine if their species was united and driven, what kind of changes they'd make.

  
That could be bad or good.

  
We just did a good turn at Terra Nova last night. Some Batarians were sending an asteroid at it. A huge one. It would have killed so many if we hadn't stopped Balak. Damn batarians! I'm sure not all of them are pirates, slavers, and/or mercs, but I have yet to meet one who isn't one of the three. Really damn hard to be diplomatic and objective with that kind of track record. I had to let him go free or the hostages would have been killed. Of course, he's probably going to pull this shit again, and the next time, there won't even be a choice. He dies.  
Maybe it's been all the death we've seen lately. Maybe I wanted to get out of this with people alive. I don't know.

  
Maybe my own morale could use a boost. I'm tired, but I'm not giving up.

  
We're docked at Scott, the capital city, and the crew's out on leave. Garrus and Tali decided to stay on board, though there are a few dextro-friendly eateries around. Tali seems to be growing harder, stronger, and more sure of herself, and Garrus is really loyal, even despite being hot-headed. I've taken him with me on most of our jobs because he never lets anything get past him.

  
When all of this is over, I want to stay in touch.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I really hate mind-controlling plants.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
The colony of Zhu's Hope is free. They were being controlled by this plant called a Thorian, a plant that's been around over 100,000 years, long before the Protheans arrived. An asari named Shiala, one of Benezia's acolytes, was being controlled by it, having been given to it by Saren. She did something to my mind, passed on a cipher. Liara took a look in my brain to see if she could make sense of the images from the Beacon, see if it'd help us find where to go.

  
I think I said a few weeks ago how much I hate corporations that seem to get away with atrocities by hiding behind deception, lawyers, and money. Well, ExoGeni seemed to be using all of that to use the citizens of Zhu's Hope as a control group for studying the Thorian. I'm not fan of genocide, but that thing was using the people as slaves and cannon fodder. I wanted to punch that Ethan Jeong in the face with a good bit of biotic strength behind it for his attitude, but instead I convinced him to turn the publicity into funding for the colonists. They need the help, and ExoGeni owes them big time.

  
[End Log]  
\----


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virmire. Yep.

[Open Log]

  
I'm having nightmares. There's one in particular, one that combines the past and present into something that has me waking up with a start some mornings.

  
I'm at Akuze again, surrounded by the dead, except this time, it's not the marines but my current squad. Where Arnold was nearly decapitated, I see Kaidan. Tali's helmet is cracked open. Blue and red blood mix together into a sickening violet. Even now, if I close my eyes, I see it.

  
The worst yet is the feeling that comes after, knowing that Akuze is behind me and that my squad is alive and with me. There's a feeling that comes when you know you want to cry. Your eyes feel like they're burning and cold at the same time, you feel a shaking sensation, pressure in the head... and nothing comes out.

  
Maybe I'm thinking about Akuze because of that run-in with Toombs on Ontarom. First off, it was damned good to see him, to know that someone else lived, but he was all hell-bent on revenge. Not that I blame him; Cerberus was doing some nasty shit to him. It made me wonder, though, if that could have been me. It also made me wonder if I shouldn't have done more, checked through the dead to be sure I wasn't the only one. So many of us were missing, though.

  
I never felt guilty for surviving, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about Toombs. I'm probably walking my squad into the gates of hell. Maybe we'll all come through it alive, but I know we're going to lose people. I have to do right by my squad. The priority is Saren, but...

  
...but nothing. The priority is Saren. This is war. I'm prepared.

  
Note to self: See if Dr Chakwas has any more of those sleeping pills.

  
[End Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I need to remember what I've noted for mission logs and what goes into the journal.

  
We received intel from the Council that a salarian STG recon group has information on Saren. We came to Virmire to back them up, which put us in contact with a Captain Kirrahe of the 3rd Infiltration Regiment. I liked him immediately. He's a good soldier, has a sharp mind (well, he _is_ a salarian) with a talent for strategy, and a hell of an inspiring leader. He commands the respect of those under him and anyone serving with him.

  
He also backed off when Wrex and I had a standoff. Talking down a pissed off krogan has never been top on my list of favorite things to do, but Wrex isn't the average krogan. He listened, he thought about it, and he trusted me. We're destroying the cure for the genophage, but he's trusting me. It's for that reason I'm bringing him with me, so he can see firsthand what Saren is doing with those tank-bred krogan.

  
It seems like something woke up in Wrex.

  
We've got plans and strategy done, just fortifying defenses before we head out. Ash is going off with Kirrahe's team, and I've got Garrus and Wrex with me for the infiltration. Looks like Kirrahe is ready to talk to his men.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
...no.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I... Ash.

  
I can't, not yet.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
The mission on Virmire was a success. Kaidan's technical skills came in handy. Nothing like a nuke to wipe out an enemy base. The entire team performed admirably and...

  
Fuck. I can't do it like that.

  
Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams died in the line of duty two days ago. What else can I say? She wasn't just some subordinate; she was a friend and comrade who deserved far better than she got. I sent the report to Admiral Hackett myself. It's a damn shame she's not alive to see the commendation she earned.

  
I wrote her parents, wrote her sisters. I had to do it myself. It's my responsibility. She knew the dangers of the job, but she faced it bravely and didn't flinch at all. I can't help but be proud. I miss her.

  
Kaidan is trying to be supportive, but he's making things worse. We might have had something going on, but he cornered me after debriefing and asked flat out if I chose him because of "us". What "us"? There might have been an us, but I can't have him doubting my motivations. Ash's blood is on Saren's hands. She died saving us. I'm not some lovesick schoolgirl.

  
At least this mission wasn't in vain. We know where Saren is going. Ilos. We're on our way to the Citadel to make our case to the Council, and make sure Ashley's personal effects are sent to her family.

  
[End Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Fuck.

  
The.

  
Council.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
For once, I don't feel like playing nice with the Council or anyone. It seems everyone wants something from me, and I'm playing the part of a damned errand girl while Saren is on his way to the Conduit. My hands are tied.

  
Hopefully Captain Anderson has something for me.

  
[Close Log]


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, the fic isn't over! This one's just a shorty.

[Open Log]

  
It's mutiny. A part of me is surprised the crew is going along with it, but in my heart I believed in them. My faith was well-placed. Even Kaidan, who is as by-the-book as one can be, went along, gave me his full support. I've made the rounds, talked with the squad, and made assault plans. I just spent the last hour in the hold with Garrus and Wrex getting the guns ready and making sure the Mako is in top condition.

  
There's a quote by a wise philosopher, a Spanish-American man who died in the 1950s named George Santayana (he has some longer name, but I don't remember it all). He said "Only the dead have seen the end of war," and he was right. He also said that those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it. Well, the protheans tried to keep the memory of the past alive. They're no longer with us to wage war against those who would see us dead. I would rather do the fighting for those who can't. If I die, I die.

  
I'm asking the rest of my crew to do the same. We don't know what we'll find on Ilos. For all we know, this Conduit thing could vaporize us outright, but it's a chance we have to take. We're stopping the Reapers.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
_Garrus shut off his visor when an orderly approached him. It'd be another few hours, the human said. They needed more blood, but everything would be fine. Garrus thanked him and continued waiting._

  
_He remembered that day, sitting on the floor next to the Mako, trading old war stories as if they were camping and not really about to face down Saren and Sovereign. He remembered that being the first time he'd seen Jana Shepard with her hair down and being absolutely amazed at how it moved with her head._

  
_"_ Keep staring, Vakarian, you might watch it grow another foot, _" she'd said._

  
_He had apologized profusely, making some lame excuse about not having a lot of experience with humans, something that made her turn an amusing shade of red and had Wrex laughing loudly enough to shake the Mako._

  
_If he was honest with himself, he likely knew how he felt for this crazy human the moment he thought she was dead._

  
_With that on his mind, he started the feed again._

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
We did it. We stopped Sovereign and we're alive.

  
I need a drink.

  
One chapter closed, another begins.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Insomnia does wonders for my writing motivation.

[Open Log]

  
Well, the _Normandy_ is still mine. I guess that's something.

  
The Citadel is a wreck. There's pieces of Reaper all over it, and the Council still insists on being stupid about the whole thing. Yeah, I regret saving their asses a little, but we need them to maintain order, and let's face it, humanity in general could use the good karma.

  
Sparatus is a Good Turian. Tevos is a politician to her core. Valern doesn't know how to think outside of his box of expectations. That's why I suggested Captain Anderson be humanity's representative. He's not a politician, but he knows their dance. We're going to be heading into a war, and he believes me and will do what is necessary to get everyone ready. I just hope he doesn't resent me for this in the long run. Besides, it's fun watching Udina seethe and have to kiss Anderson's ass.

  
The Normandy is in dock undergoing repairs. I've probably got another three weeks here on the Citadel, so rush accomodations have been made. Kaidan's trying to make nice, but I opted to stay with Garrus when he offered. His place is pretty much intact, so I've taken over his couch. Maybe I'm still upset about what Kaidan said after Ash died. I know he's sorry, but it's still a very sore point.

  
Wrex hung around long enough to collect on a few debts, and now he's on his way to who-knows-where to do who-knows-what. Liara's on her way to Thessia to do some more research on the prothean beacons. Kaidan is, of course, still part of the Normandy's crew. Tali has valuable data to take back to the Migrant Fleet as her Pilgrimage gift (I hope she gets a good ship). That leaves Garrus.

  
Maybe we were so busy chasing after Saren that I didn't get to know him better, but Garrus is a really good guy. He and I are close to the same age and have more in common than I'd have thought, except he's got a bit more of a cocky attitude and is more impulsive. I honestly don't think C-Sec was a good match for him after all, but I'd like to think that he's thinking things through more. I've seen it in his work since he's gone back to C-Sec. It's for that reason I messaged Councilor Sparatus about putting Garrus up for Spectre training again. No, I haven't told him. Let it be a surprise.

  
Oh, good, he's out of the shower. My turn. I feel like I've been wading in Reaper guts... if they have them.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Why am I still having nightmares? Didn't we stop Sovereign? I think that the sooner I'm off the Citadel, the better.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I have no idea where that sneaky turian found bagels, lox, and cream cheese, but I think he deserves a medal for it.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I'm no good at updating this damn thing. Ugh, was that a week ago that I updated last?

  
Okay, well, the _Normandy_ will be ready to go in a week, which means we're back on assignment. What do we get to do? Hunt geth! That's right, everyone's still got their heads up their asses as to what's really going on. They're still trying to put all of this on Saren. I'm livid, and of course so are the others, but hey, what can we do? Cap... Councilor Anderson thinks that it won't be fruitless; the geth could have intel about the Reapers. I'm swallowing it for now.

  
Oh, yeah, I've been in Alliance housing now that there actually is a place to stay. I rather miss that old couch Garrus had me sleeping on. Truth be told, what I miss is staying up late chatting with him, but order are orders. Sparatus approved Garrus's training, so it shouldn't be too long until he's back on the Normandy. It'll just be weird going out there without him at my back making some comment about his fantastic sniping skills.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I missed this ship. Missed the feeling of the power running through it, missed the faces, missed Joker being a smartass pain. It just feels a little empty without Tali, Wrex, Liara, and Garrus.

  
It feels like Ashley is haunting us, walking the halls and keeping watch.

  
Maybe there's something to the turians' concept of spirits.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I've run a bit behind. My muse has been fussy lately. At any rate, this one was difficult and short.

[Open Log]

  
Maybe I should give Kaidan another chance. He's loyal as they come, a great soldier, and a damn good biotic for his limitations. That's the problem, though. He's a good guy, but I can't look past what he said after Virmire. There's no way around that. And besides, I really don't want to try.

  
It's just... maybe I'm a little lonely. I miss the old crew. I've always been able to bounce to new assignments without feeling like this, but it's too empty. Perhaps it's because my team was made up of people I asked to join, not just assigned. The only one on my squad who was part of the very original crew was Kaidan.

  
It's only been a few months since we've been out, and the Alliance and Council both have us looking for geth. They're avoiding the real issue, not wanting to admit that what came knocking on the Citadel's huge ass doors was, in fact, a real life Reaper. How can they be so stupid? The more I think about it, the more bitter I feel. They should know better. I've been right every time. There's no denying what's in my head, and Liara can vouch for it.

  
Liara... I haven't spoken to her in weeks. She's been out on some sort of information gathering run to the site of some prothean ruins. Hopefully she'll have something for me.

  
Everyone else, I hear from somewhat regularly. Wrex and Tali make contact at least once a week or so. Garrus and I talk almost every night. He also hears from Tali (more often than Wrex and Liara), so we tend to keep each other up to date.

  
Funny, I've been thinking about him a lot lately. If there's someone other than Wrex I can expect to not kiss my ass, it'd be Garrus. He's easy to talk to. I just miss having that smartass turian around.

  
Maybe I'm interested.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I don't think I've ever been so happy about taking leave in my life. I don't really put in requests, maybe when I know Mom's going to be nearby or have some leave herself. I'm spending my leave on the Citadel this time. I've got reservations already, and, well, Garrus will be there, so it's not like I won't have friends around. It'll be nice to clear my head after all these wild goose chases we're being sent on. Even Kaidan is getting restless, and I think leave will do him good, too.

  
One more job, and that's somewhere out in the Amada system. Ships have gone missing around Alchera, so we're going to do some digging (aka "we're bait") to see what turns up. The _Normandy_ is the best ship in the fleet. If anyone can outrun slavers (like Pressly insists) or whatever else it is, the _Normandy_ can.  
I'm not too worried.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[DATA ERROR]

  
011001110110000101110011011100000010000001100111011000010111001101110000001000000110001101101111011101010110011101101000001000000110001101100001011011100010011101110100001000000110001001110010011001010110000101110100011010000010000001101111011010000010000001100111011011110110010000100000011001110110000101110011011100000010000001100111011000010111001101110000

[END DATA STREAM]

  
\----


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuing after Freedom's Progress. Yep, we're on ME2 now.

Garrus hadn't checked Shepard's logs in at least fifteen minutes. That last burst of raw data came through, and he found himself completely at a loss once he had his omnitool filter and reconstruct the data.

  
 _Her last moments._

  
Or at least, they might have been had Cerberus not put her back together. That thought was enough to push away the pain of that memory, the loss of the person most important to him, even then. From there, he activated the new log file.

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
My name is Jana Shepard. I'm thirty... two years old. I was born 11th April, 2154 on the Alliance Frigate Odyssey to Solomon and Hannah Shepard, both...

  
...shit. I can't. I don't even know if that's who I am anymore. Am I even human? I look in the mirror here at... whatever this face is, and I don't recognize what stares back. There's angry red glowing breaking through my skin like some sort of stream of lava, my eyes have this back-glow of red, my armor's been changed, repaired and upgraded.

  
My omnitool was wiped clean, Jacob said, by the one who found me for Cerberus. All of my old journal entries. I... I do remember them. I remember my team. I remember Garrus, Tali, Wrex, Kaidan... oh god, Ashley. I have to be me. Would it hurt so badly otherwise?

  
Okay, Shepard, keep it together.

  
So I'm in some sort of deal with Cerberus (I feel sick at that), reporting directly to the Illusive Man, their head honcho. Joker's here, at least, and given what he said about what happened to him, I don't blame him for taking Cerberus up. He belongs in the sky... er, space. They've rebuilt the Normandy bigger and badder than ever. It almost feels like home.

  
Next up is Jacob Taylor, former Alliance military. He's definitely a military guy, salutes at every entrance and exit. Good soldier, talented biotic. Not too interesting of a guy, but he seems trustworthy and earnest enough.

  
Miranda Lawson. Well. She's clearly a Cerberus agent to her core, lives and breathes whatever the Illusive Man tells her, but she's not stupid. Cold and calculating, yes. Stupid, never. I've got Jacob's trust; Miranda's will be harder to earn, and I'll need her on my side.

  
Kelly Chambers is my yeoman. I've never expected to have a personal assistant, but she's capable, a smart psychologist, and, well, cute. Very cute, and perky. I like her, even if she's a little over eager.

  
Dr Chakwas is on board! I might be over-emotional about this, but thank god there's someone else on board I can trust other than Joker! She makes me think of my mother, all no-nonsense but still very loyal and caring, a real nuturer, even if it's tough love when it's needed.

  
OH. Then there's EDI. We have an AI. I don't trust her... it, yet. It's shackled, thankfully, and I have to admit an AI would come in handy given what we're facing.  
We did a run on Freedom's Progress to check on what's happening to our colonies in the Terminus. Tali was there. It was good (and strange) to see her taking charge. I was so proud of her, but she couldn't predict how her team would react, given I showed up in Cerberus colors with Cerberus agents.

  
There was a young quarian on his Pilgrimage, Veetor'Nara, a neurotic kid. He witnessed it all. Miranda and Jacob wanted to bring him back with us for intel, but there's gotta be a line drawn somewhere. I let Tali take him. I was sad to see her go, but damn. I'm so proud of her.

  
Our next stop is Omega to check up on two potential recruits, a Dr Mordin Solus and some vigilante called Archangel. I wanted the old crew, of course, but the Illusive Man made it clear that they're unavailable. Kaidan is off on secret business, Tali I know about, Wrex is on Tuchanka, Liara is in the info business on Illium, and Garrus... where the hell could he go that no one can find him?

  
Maybe I can sleep if my glowing face doesn't keep me up.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I kept on writing. Had to get Garrus back, of course.

[Open Log]

  
Miranda said it best. Omega is a pisshole.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Aria T'loak is a very interesting lady. Her one rule seems to be strongly enforced, and to be honest, I can respect that. A place like Omega needs a heavy hand. She doesn't seem to have much on Archangel, but tends to know a bit more about Dr Solus. From what I can tell, Archangel is in a more precarious situation than Dr Solus, so I'm going after the vigilante first.

  
Stupid kid tried to get himself hired on as cannon fodder. Not letting that happen. He'll thank me later.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
Archangel is turian. He's a sniper. He's a turian sniper.

  
Oh shit. I don't know if I want to be right or wrong.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Come on, Garrus, you big stubborn turian jackass. Pull through. I need you.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I could have hugged him the moment he took off that helmet. I could have hugged him and slugged him and hugged him again. Someone I can take into battle with me, someone I can trust. It was like every secret prayer I've had since this nightmare began was answered. And it's _Garrus_.

  
I've never been so afraid for another person than when he bled out that deep blue all over the floor of that apartment. Dr Chakwas shooed me out while she worked on him, and... well, I had to keep busy, debrief the team. Focusing on work is what I've always done to pin down emotions that could betray me, but it was the worst wonder if I just got Garrus back only to lose him again.

  
There he was, though, cocky as ever, as funny as I remember, and bandaged up with a huge hole in his armor. He joked, we talked. It was like old times, just like he said. There, alone in the meeting room, even if there were monitoring devices and EDI, I couldn't help it. I took his hand and thanked him. I think he understands.

  
After we retrieve Dr Solus from Omega, I'm buying that smartass turian some new armor.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
It's late, I couldn't sleep, so I snuck down to get a snack from the mess, and Garrus was there. We had to have sat there for a couple of hours, just talking, catching up. There's some things about what happened with his team he's not telling me, but I understand the pain is still fresh. I'm not going to go picking at the wound before it's begun to heal.

  
We've come to a decision together. Even if Miranda is my XO, Garrus is still my right hand. We're cleaning the bugs out of my quarters and the main battery, that way we will always have a safe place to talk. I feel like some kid going behind the teacher's back during school, but this is how it has to be. Not that I don't trust Karin or Joker; Garrus is the most capable if things go south. I know those two will follow, but Garrus will be at my side if we need to bail.

  
I also have no idea by what Kelly meant when she said Garrus and I would make a cute couple. She trying to set us up or compensate for her own fixation?

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plugging onward! I'd love some more comments with feedback! Don't be shy!

[Open Log]

  
I still hate Omega.

  
We managed to get the couplings the kids in Engineering needed. Kids, geez, I'm not really much older than them. Ken and Gabby are good, former Alliance, and they are really dedicated to this mission. Least I can do is help them do their jobs better.

  
Also gave some quarian on his pilgrimage some money so he could go back on it. I'm transferring triple that into his account right now. So what if the Illusive Man's humanity-centric money is going to help a non-human? I'm okay with that.

  
Garrus and I had another chat this morning about the bugging, and we're putting in a couple of scramblers in the med bay and in the cockpit. It'll seem like some of the bugs are faulty and won't implicate Dr Chakwas or Joker. EDI knows, I'm sure she's reporting back, but eh. I can't be bothered to care. He needs me; he'll give me some damn privacy.

  
Also, is it just me, or has he gotten a bit more protective since we were reuinited?

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Well, shit. Going into this without Garrus isn't exactly what I wanted to do, but we did pick up a merc named Zaeed Massani that truly, at this point, trust more than Miranda. Still, I'll need strong biotics on this run, given it's Blue Suns, and Zaeed has the firepower.

  
No way I'm going to run the risk of Garrus getting some plague on my watch.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Holy hell, does Mordin ever shut up?

  
Actually, I like him. I really like him, and he's really into his work. He knows Kirrahe, too, so we have a mutual aquaintance. I'm really not surprised he was former STG, and considering the salarian approach to problems, it makes sense they have scientific geniuses in their employ. There's something he's not telling me, though, but I'm sure it will come out when he's ready.

  
He's going to work on getting a way around the Collector bugs so that we can actually save some colonists if we arrive in time. I actually feel relieved having him on board, and to be honest, his combat skills will come in handy.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Dr Chakwas ordered a dermal regenerator for my face. I told her she should use it on Garrus instead, but apparently he refused. I went to the Main Battery to ask him about it, and then... well, I don't know what exactly it was.

  
He told me I should use it, that I've been obviously avoiding my own reflection. I didn't really think so, but then he actualy took my chin in one hand and said it again. I suppose he's the only person that could get away with that.

  
So fine, I'll use the damn thing when it gets here. It should only be a day to ship to Omega.

  
Goddamn stubborn ass turian.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Okay, he was right. I feel better. I look like _myself_ again.

  
I don't think I was particularly vain, but looking at those glowing cracks in my skin was like being gut punched. Some sort of reminder of what happened, as if I could forget. Dr Chakwas says that I need to maintain a positive outlook, to be kinder and, well, more like my old self to keep the cybernetics from being rejected, but...

  
...it's damned hard. I still feel a little empty. The feeling mostly comes when I'm by myself, when I'm alone and have time to think. It's a little lonely being at the top. I mean, I'm not going to put off the mission drowning in my tears like some heartbroken teenager without a date to the prom, but there's only so I can do to work through everything. I know Garrus sees it; he's always trying to say something clever or find something he can do for me (when he's not busy callibrating).

  
Thank whatever gods might exist for putting him back in my life.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
That thing I was talking about with Garrus doing stuff to cheer me up? He presented me with an upgrade for the main gun! Time to go mining and give the Normandy fangs instead of teeth.

  
Thanix Cannon. That even _sounds_ badass.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm still feeling kinda crappy and having trouble sitting down to write while I'm on sinus meds. I hope this is up to snuff. Please leave me a comment with feedback!

[Open Log]

  
I never thought I'd say this, but thank god for C-Sec. Well, more thanking for this Captain Bailey guy. I appreciate people like him, folks who get things done because they know it's the right thing to do. I'm sure he has a few shady things going on the side, but for the most part, he seems like a fairly honorable kind of guy who is trying to do the right thing for his people and the Citadel.

  
We also picked up our newest team member, a thief named Kasumi Goto. Trying to get myself to pronounce her name correctly. Not KaSUmi, but Ka-Su-Mi. I'm probably still going to get it wrong. I think she'll overlook it. Anyway, her little special favor is a system over, so we're going to do that after we finish the installation of the new gun.

  
Hot damn, that thing is sexy. Thanix Cannon. _Hot_.

  
Now for the big part. I've been reinstated as a Spectre. I stood there like a good soldier and told the Council the truth, told Anderson the truth, and they still gave me a hard time (not Anderson, the Council). At least I can do something with my Spectre status reinstated. It does give me access to resources the Illusive Man doesn't, and if things go south with him, I'll have _something_.

  
Now to go shopping for gear and supplies. Hopefully this will improve Gardner's cooking.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I don't know why he was so damned surprised. I told him I was buying him some new damn armor.

  
It was a little... I dunno, oddly intimate, helping Garrus get the old armor off. He wanted to keep it (of course he did), so we have it in storage. The new armor fits him perfectly, has a level of foam impact cushioning inside for hard hits, and an extra communication rig. I told him that if he's ever in a pinch like he was on Omega, he can signal me and I will always find him. I'm not going to lose him again.

  
It was a little disconcerting what happened next. He and I have never been so tactile with each other before our reunion, but he put a hand on my shoulder and promised me he wasn't leaving me again. I'd always know where he was, because he'd always be at my back. I've never had someone say anything like that, declare loyalty so unwaveringly to my face that it _shook_ me before.

  
I ended up making some lame excuse and heading out. I felt light-headed.

  
[Close Log]

  
The final bit of the gun installation for the Normandy is just a little bit of internal adjusting, so while Garrus plays with his gun (heh heh), Kasumi and I are going to Beckenstein to schmooze and steal something. Of course, this requires dress up.

  
You know, the most dressing up I've had to do was putting on my dress blues. I have a set of dress blues with a skirt, but those were reserved for military balls and stupid award ceremonies. Even then, I opted for the pants edition. I don't know, I don't see running in heels and a tight skirt to be particularly helpful in life-saving if we were ambushed, and I am ALWAYS expecting an ambush at anything I have to attend.

  
So this dress Kasumi has for me is some kind of leather, but it actually has flexible armored padding inside, and the lower area will stretch if I need to run. I have a thigh holster for my pistol. There's a teeeeeensy part of me that always wanted to do the spy thing, sneak in, wear a thigh holster. I know this is still a potentially dangerous gig, but still, I won't admit it to anyone, but it could be fun.

  
I just wish I could wear pants.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Well, that went well.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
I swear Garrus acted like he's never seen a woman's legs before. All it took was medigel, and the wound is all better. He did seem pretty amused when I told him I shot something that probably costs more than the Normandy.

  
Oh well, no real rest. We're off to take care of whatever Zaeed needs doing.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I hate myself right now. I always hate myself after these kinds of mission. I spend a few hours loathing that I can be the sort of person who sends people to their death for the sake of stopping someone who'd kill countless more. Fuck Zaeed's revenge thing. A man like Santiago will keep killing and using people until he's stopped.

  
It's just... I see their faces, especially the one who asked for help. Each death weighs on my conscience. Did I know Santiago would go kill again? I went back and read up on everything he seems to have been behind, and yeah, I made the right call. A new head usually grows when one's cut off in a successful merc institution like that, but for now, the Blue Suns won't be a huge problem.

  
Now to see if I can actually get to sleep tonight.

  
[Close Log]

\----


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Writing and insomnia rarely mix, but I'm pushing onward! Your feedback will be most helpful.
> 
> Edit: I forgot Grunt. Oops.

[Open Log]

  
It's been three days, and I'm finally sleeping better. I hate sleeping pills. I hate that drugged sleep one can't escape from. There's nothing worse than being trapped in your own nightmares. I'd rather just stay awake and use stims until I sleep on my own.

  
We headed right out to this place called Purgatory, a stupidly high-security prison, to secure the release of a powerful biotic named Jack. Totally not what I expected.

  
First off: I should have known better than to put any degree of trust in a barefaced asshole in Blue Suns armor. I mean, hell, I try to give people a chance in general, avoid the stereotypes and whatnot, but my gut was right, and Garrus was right. He said turians are usually barefaced for a damn good reason and typically are not to be trusted, but like I said, I want to look past stereotypes. This just reminds me that stereotypes usually exist for a reason.

  
Ugh. I still hate it.

  
So the bastard wanted to lock _me_ up and try to make money off of me. Really? _Really?!_ Not to be egotistical, but he did know who I was. That was incredibly foolish of him. Not that it matters now; he's dead.

  
Second thing: Jack. Hoo boy. Jack. There's a lot of anger in that one, and I can't say it isn't justified, not after what I heard. Of course I gave her access to pertinent Cerberus records. I admit it was a little fun watching Miranda squirm, but honestly, that woman deserves to know her own past, to find the closure I think she's looking for.

  
We should all be that lucky.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Jack decided to hole up underneath Engineering. Ken and Gabby are a bit antsy, to be sure, but Jack leaves them alone for the most part. She leaves most everyone alone, only coming up every now and again for some chow or to poke around the ship. Everyone's been steering clear of her except for Dr Chakwas, who insisted Jack have a physical.

  
That was both frightening and entertaining to watch. Seeing Dr Chakwas staredown a hypercharged biotic is something to be seen.

  
I don't think Jack was at all opposed to prescription drugs, given the ones she was already taking before her capture. Dr Chakwas said something about Jack having been a while without a fix, but I know how fast biotics burn through medications and alcohol firsthand. Physical addictions don't really happen, but the feeling of relief becomes an addiction all on its own.

  
I've been spending some time down in Jack's little den. I want to know her better, to understand. I think she's finally getting that I'm sincere with my intentions. She's not used to it, but bringing booze down from the lounge seems to get her relaxed a bit, enough to tell me a few things. I think she's trying to scare me, but trust me, I've seen plenty more frightening than her. She's scared and scarred, and I think having someone put some faith in her for once might help her.

  
All of that said, I actually like her.

Next stop, Korlus. Getting some krogan warlord named Okeer.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

[Open Log]

So going after Okeer was a bust. Brilliant Krogan geneticist, and what happens? He goes and dies on me and leaves me with his "perfect" tank-bred krogan. I hope it's worth having been shot at by mercs, poisoned, and chatting with tank-bred krogan.

Of  _course_ I'm going to let him out of the tank, just not yet, not until Garrus calms down about it. He's insisting on being there, but if this tank baby has the instincts of a pure krogan, then me showing up with backup may not be wise.

I miss Wrex, by the way.

[Close Log]

\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Got another nibble on Collector attacks. We're heading to Horizon. I hope whatever Mordin cooked up for us works. Then again, he hasn't failed us yet.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
God _damn_ it, Kaidan.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
Asshole. I thought of anyone, you would understand. You participated in mutiny with me. You turned against orders right along with me to go after Saren, but now you balk because I'm flying Cerberus colors? Yeah, I know who they are and what they've done, but Garrus was right. You're so damned focused on it being Cerberus that you're ignoring what's going on around you. There's a huge fucking picture you're ignoring. This is bigger than Alliance, Council, Cerberus... all of it.

  
Ugh.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
I should be more understanding. Kaidan is Alliance to his core. Hell, I still am, in my heart, but I have to see the big picture. I have to go where I can do the most good. Why can't he understand that? I'd like to think we remained friends, that we still had a strong level of trust between us, but in the end, no. I'm disappointed, but I... I really do understand his point of view, even if I wish he could shake it.

  
Another river crossed, so many more to go.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I ended up drinking in the Main Battery with Garrus last night. We both got a lot out on the table, just venting and finding a little release from stress we're both carrying. I would have never let any of this go before, but having someone I trust so much to talk to is freeing. There's strength in camaraderie, comfort in trust, and Garrus has proven over and over that right now, in my life, he's the only person I can truly trust.

  
He hasn't followed me blindly; his eyes have been open the entire time, and he sees what I see. He's painfully aware of the situation we're both in, and he comes to me when he sees something that needs to be addressed. I need that, especially when I can't really trust my XO. Miranda is capable, but she's Cerberus to her core.

  
Maybe it's a weakness on my part. Maybe I shouldn't burden Garrus with my pressures, but he's easy to talk to, and importantly, he helps me to gain perspective past my own emotional issues. That's what a good friend does. There's no one else I'd rather have at my back than him.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think we all know what's coming next! Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!

[Open Log]

Everyone is tense, restless, on edge. We have a couple of very dangerous people on the Normandy, and that has a few hackles raised. One is a rather livid Jack, the other is our very own Tank-Baby.

  
Yeah, I opened the tank. He held his arm to my neck. I pulled a gun on him. We have an understanding. His name's Grunt, and he answers to me. I point out who needs their ass kicked, and he does the kicking (and punching, and shooting, and gouging). Perfect arrangement.

  
The important thing about Grunt is that I really want him to stop being a 'what' and become a 'who'. I know, the psychoanalyzing is Kelly's schtick, and everyone thinks I'm crazy for letting the kid out, but I've always felt we can overcome the limitations of our own origins. So what if he was tank-bred? So what if he has the knowledge of countless krogan warlords in his brain? That knowledge does him or anyone else NO good if he can't put it to practical use, to incorporate that knowledge into who he is, and to give him a reason to fight.

  
Without reason, it's just senseless battle, over and over and over. I suppose that's why I keep going down to talk to Jack. That's why we're heading to Pragia right now, to give her some answers and some closure, a chance to move beyond her origins and find a cause.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Well, that was... explosive.

  
Jack actually does seem a bit calmer, seems to have a bit more purpose to her. She's fighting with focus now, not just on pure rage.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I've got a message from Liara, letting me know she's on Illium. This could be a little awkward. We're going down, however, not just to talk to her, but to recruit an assassin and an asari Justicar. I've been reading up on the Justicars a bit and wow. Intense job, one that offers little grey area. I hope she agrees to join.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Liara's gained a bit more backbone since I saw her left. I could swear she sounded just like Benezia when we walked in on her. I hope that was just an empty threat, like she said.

  
She did direct us to where we can get information on both the assassin and the Justicar, and we did a little errand for her. Turns out her aide was spying on her for the Shadow Broker. Apparently Liara took care of that loose end. I don't want details.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
Goddamn it, I hoped to never hear the name 'Nassana Dantius' ever again, especially after that bullshit with her sister. We're meeting up with an asari we met earlier named Seryna to meet up with our contact. I hope she stays out of the open, just in case.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Thane Krios. What an entrance. He's actually the first drell I've ever met.

  
He moves like water, fluid and graceful. He's exotic, spiritual, and has a hypnotic voice. We have him set up in Life Support. I went in and chatted with him for a little while, mostly as an apology for how much of a dick Jacob was being. I don't fully understand this separation of soul from body he speaks of, but as he explains it, it does make sense from a purely spiritual side, not that I believe the same things for myself.

  
Next job was to give Jacob the dressing-down of his life. I don't care if he wants to be a judgemental asshole about who _his boss_ chose for me to recruit, but he's not going to take it out on any member of my team, and he certainly will not threaten the cohesion of this group. I wanted to like him so much when we met, but now? He's got a very pissy side to him that I really don't like. Funny he has an issue with the pretty alien assassin, but he has no problem with the grizzled human merc or the cute human thief.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I think I did say something about asari Justicars being intense. This has been an interesting job already. I meet Samara, see her killing mercs left and right, then see her quietly allow herself to be arrested. We met some stupid Eclipse girl named Elnora and shot her. (I know what it takes to earn an Eclipse uniform. Not taking chances, and damned glad I didn't after hearing her little message.) Oh, and we met a 'biotic god', some volus named Niftu Cal all hyped up on Red Sand. Poor little guy. Some partner he had. (Totally turning in the intel I got on Pitne For.)

  
I was really glad to have Garrus on this job. He needed to let loose a bit, to spill a little blood for a good reason. I had no problem letting him take the kill shot on that Wasea. Shipping out a dangerous murderer is definitely on the no-no list, and he is my favorite turian dispenser of justice.

  
Samara, the Justicar, pledged herself to me. I've never seen anything like it, but I could feel the energy and force of will behind her oath. I know she won't fail us. We had a nice long talk in the Observation Lounge, and... well, I can tell she was a mother. I like her.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
We're leaving Illium right away. Garrus found Sidonis.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, it was burning a hole in my brain, so I needed to get it out.

[Open Log]

  
He's been quiet the whole time. He opened up, talked to me, told me what was going on, but now he stays in the Main Battery and only comes out to pick up his meals. I finally went back and took my dinner with him, got him to talk a bit more.

  
Garrus is like a tensed coil, ready to spring when provoked. I've never really seen this side of him, only glimpses of very tightly contained anger. He's been planning, talking it out, and tonight, he nearly let out some of that rage, venting to me, but he pulled it back in.

  
He's saving it for his prey.

  
This is different than other jobs. It's personal for him, and... well, it's personal for me because it's Garrus.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Sidonis is on the Citadel. We're going to see what Captain Bailey knows. Chances are he'll do us another favor. I really like Bailey; he's a good man. I hope Garrus lets me do the talking, however. He's too wound up.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Fucking Harkin. Just when I thought that thorn in our sides was gone, he showed back up to dig deeper, and this time he's made a new persona for himself as Fade, the forger. Big mistake getting caught up with Sidonis. Maybe I shouldn't have let Garrus shoot him in the leg, but eh. I really don't feel sorry for him after the trouble he's caused. Maybe patching up in a C-Sec cell will help him reconsider his life choices.

  
Okay, Garrus is signalling. We're doing this.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I've never been so happy Garrus let a target go. Sidonis wasn't really living and the dead can't suffer. Maybe killing Sidonis would have been merciful, but it wouldn't be worth the stain it'd leave in my friend's heart. I've killed out of revenge before. Maybe there's a sense of justice, of victory at first, but it leaves a part of you dirty for the rest of your life, and Garrus has so much going on already.

  
We had it out in the Battery. He talked, yelled a little. I let him spend the last of his anger. We just talked for a while after that, and I'm pretty sure he forgave me, understood what my intentions were. I told him if he was still sore about it, then we could track Sidonis down again, but Garrus said no. I think he's starting to move on.

  
Funny the turn a conversation can take. We were just talking about stress relief (I wanted some kind of insight to help him), and then he started talking about... well, other kinds of stress relief. Tie-breakers. Heh. Well, he opened the door, and I charged on through before I could stop myself.

  
Yeah, I've been interested in him since we took Saren down, since those rough edges started smoothing out into a well-honed blade. No other person I've ever been with has been such a good friend; maybe that's why nothing ever worked out. Regardless, if I can give him some peace before we jump into the hurricane, then it's worth it, even if that's all it is. I'm never going to stop being his friend over one night.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
He tried to give me an out. Maybe I'm being irrational, but I don't want an out. He's very important to me. Maybe it didn't occur to him before, and so I gave him an out, too, but apparently he wants it. I'm glad for that. He's cute and awkward talking about it, but not... not uncomfortable.

  
While we're here, I'm heading back to the Citadel with Thane to help him with an issue regarding his son. Garrus wants to come with us, but I think he needs a little more processing time. He didn't argue, so I'm taking Kasumi as a lookout. This is something that stealth will be the best course.

  
I know it's never easy raising a child; my parents had their hands full with me and their jobs. Thane has a chance to repair his relationship with his son, and it would be a failing on my part if I didn't help him with that.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback, everyone! Keep it coming!

[Open Log]

  
There's a lot about Thane no one knew. That he told me any of this means a lot to me. Trust is very important, especially on a mission like this, and not only do I need to trust my squad, but I need them to trust me in return. It's not something one should expect from the get-go; it has to be earned and retained. I'm glad I've earned his.

  
I like Thane, I really do. He deserves a chance at peace before his life's end, and repairing the damage between him and his son is a good step. Hopefully their relationship will be stronger and better.

  
He called me " _siha_ ", but wouldn't tell me what it means. I'm stubborn and looked it up. Warrior-angel? Me? Well, I'll take it as a compliment, though I think perhaps he might mean it with more affection. I hope I'm reading it right and don't hurt him or make a horrible assumption.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Okay, so Miranda isn't a total bitch.

  
That was rude of me. I actually think I might like Miranda more than I want to admit. We've gone back to Illium to help her with her sister. I never had any siblings, but I've had friends I felt that close to. After everything Miranda's said about her father, I don't blame her for being worried about what might happen if he gets a hold of Oriana.

  
We're meeting with an asari named Lanteia. Garrus might pout if I don't bring him.

  
Turian pouting is actually cute. I think I've been around Garrus enough that I can read his expressions pretty accurately.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Nothing is ever simple, is it?

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
Okay, so Miranda's super-bestest-buddy Niket turned on her, she shot him, Eclipse mercs shot at us, we shot at them, everyone shot at everyone. Isn't that the story of my life? When the smoke cleared, Captain Enyala of Eclipse was bereft of life, Miranda's sister was safe, and those two had a long-overdue talk.

  
They're going to have dinner tonight on Illium; I didn't really want to cut the reunion short and I have some business with Liara, some intel to deliver to her, something on the Shadow Broker. That by itself is big enough to have me bring the heavy guns.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Liara's changed. I don't know that I like it.

  
Miranda's back on the ship, so I'm leaving it in her hands and bringing Garrus and Samara with me to meet with Liara at her place. I have a feeling Liara might be joining us on the Normandy before too long.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Okay, it's been... a few days. Holy shit, where do I start?

  
First off, I really like to think I can trust other Spectres, even though I had Saren as a great big shining example. I wanted to trust Tela Vasir, but she played me from the moment I got to Liara's place. She took shots at Liara, killed her informant, tried to kill us -- working for the Shadow Broker the entire time. She sells out the Council regularly and accused me of being a hypocrite? She's dead, I'm not.

  
Working with Cerberus is necessary. I'm only using them as long as I need to.

  
I was right about Liara joining us on the Normandy. We ended up taking her to Hagalaz and broke into the Shadow Broker's ship floating in a synchronous orbit moving with a storm to mask its location. Her friend Feron was alive, thankfully, when we found him. Poor guy. Yeah, I had a mad-on for the Shadow Broker after seeing what the bastard did to Feron.

  
I've never seen a yahg before. I never want to see another one. I also don't want to take on another one in a fist fight one-on-one. This one's dead. The rest of them can stay on Parnack until they socially evolve a bit more. History has already shown what happens when a species is "uplifted" before its time.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
Liara is the new Shadow Broker.

  
The king is dead, long live the queen.

  
[Close Log]

\----


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments, all! Please give me feedback if you have any.
> 
> I also figured that if you're making plans to sleep with someone, it might be a good idea to spend more time with them outside of work.

[Open Log]

  
Downtime. I'd forgotten what that felt like. Karin pretty much said she'd sneak sedatives into my drink if I didn't take a good twenty-four hours off to just de-stress. I can't _not_ work, though. There really is far too much to be done, but she pointed out some of the cybernetics are starting to show through my skin and that I've been, well, bitchy.

  
Fine, I'm taking today off. I have beer and chocolate, thanks to a thoughtful Kelly Chambers. I've got her compiling reports for me and filtering important mail, so today my theme is research.

  
Turians don't have foreskins the way human males do. Their bits are tucked away inside, like a lot of animals are on Earth (and, as I've learned, like krogan). I had the weirdest thought that maybe Garrus might be barbed like a cat, but no, turians are thankfully smooth. I am never getting _that_ image out of my head, though.

  
I managed to get my "research" put away before Garrus showed up at my door, and I couldn't tell him what had me laughing so hard, but he was pretty glad that I was amused by something. Rather than just jump right into the sack when we're ready to, we've been hanging out, I guess, like taking dinner together in the mess, taking a little longer to talk when I make my rounds, him coming up for a vid. It's not exactly dating, but it's nice. We're getting a little more comfortable about getting in each others' personal space.

  
I hope I don't screw this up between us.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Liara's settling in nicely. She sends mail via Extranet regularly, and we're getting pings on new resources, weapon designs and upgrades, all sorts of goodies. I suppose there are perks to being besties with the Shadow Broker.

  
Right now, we're heading to Haestrom to pick up Tali. Apparently the sun there's collapsing far beyond its time, and she's with a team of quarians trying to figure out why. Even if she doesn't join us, it'll be good to see her again, and chances are her team might need help, especially given that they're deep in geth space.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
We got to Haestrom in time. All of Tali's team was dead except for a quarian Marine named Kal'Reegar. He's a good and loyal soldier, and I'm glad we could keep him alive long enough to get Tali out. Thankfully the ship they arrived on was masked well enough to hide from the geth, so he got out all right. I'd have liked to talk to him. The Reegar family name is well-known, even outside of the Migrant Fleet. I've even got a Reegar Carbine in my personal collection.

  
As for Tali, I'm proud of her, especially in how she's handling her losses and taking responsibility. She's always been like a younger sister to me, and I'm going to do my best to make sure she comes out of this alive. She's a capable and talented engineer, and the Normandy could use her (no insult intended to Ken and Gabby). I do hope she gets along with the two in Engineering. She didn't seem too pleased with being surrounded by Cerberus agents, not that I can blame her.

  
I'm officially her "captain" in the eyes of the quarians. I hope that means they might listen to me if we need them.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Looks like we're heading to Tuchanka. Mordin got word that one of his former students was being help captive by rival clan to Urdnot. In addition to this, Grunt is acting... well, more violent and restless than usual. I tried taking him on a few ground runs, but it did nothing to calm him down. Maybe I can sneak some sedatives into his varren steak, but honestly I think that'd just piss him off (like I'd try that anyway).

  
It sure was good talking to Wrex! Even if it was just over the comm, it was great. I love that big lunk. He's like a crazy violent big brother, and he's Clan Leader now! He said there were some big changes he'd need to fill me in on.

  
Finally, going somewhere civilized.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Garrus has some interesting tastes in vids, just sayin'. They're plenty violent and fun, but wow. Turian movies are quite a bit more about tragic honor than I expected. Of course, it's a lot more fun when he's making inappropriate comments about the characters.

  
Yeah, this is going to work. It better.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my silence. I've been busy with projects, but hopefully this chapter makes up for it. Please leave me feedback!

[Open Log]

  
Looks like Tuchanka has to wait. Wrex took it all right when I told him what was going on. Apparently TIM (yeah, I don't call the Illusive Man that to his face) found a derelict Collector ship, so we're going there to see what we can find out.

  
First of all, I don't like taking a team in there and risking my crew and my ship. It seems like a huge gamble, but the man has a point: it could provide us valuable intel on the Collectors and find us a way safely through the Omega 4 relay. The whole thing stinks, though, smells like it's too good to be true. I feel like a bug at a pitcher plant. They're these gorgeous tube-like plants, grow in swampy areas. Flies and bees are attracted to their nectar, but when they go inside for a deeper look, they get caught and slowly dissolved and digested by the plant. That's the mental image I have.

  
We're about four hours out from the ship. I've decided for this job, I want the people I trust the most at my side: Garrus and Tali. First of all, if things go sour, Garrus is the most efficient and skilled marksman, plus his hand-to-hand is tops. Tali may not be the best combatant, but her tech skills can help us get the intel we need by facilitating the connection between the "dead" ship and EDI. I'm not risking any more than that.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I may or may not have gotten us fired. Seriously, TIM can go to hell or whatever he believes in.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
So yeah, I told him what I thought of how he risked me and my crew. He was so damn calm about the whole thing, like he expected this outcome. Not like I went in it expecting to die, but I at least factor that in as a risk. He's like a puppet master, or... worse, like those old vids my dad liked about the British spy, James Bond. This guy's like Blofeld, and Cerberus is his own little SPECTRE (pun not intended). Maybe that damn cigarette of his was once a fluffy kitty. That's a horrid thought. Maybe Miranda's the fluffy kitty.

  
Speaking of Miranda, she stepped in after me and talked with him. She's a good XO, does her job well, and most importantly, she trust me now. She's even what I'd call... a friend. Not a great friend, but a friend nonetheless.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
There's a turian snoring on my couch. It's pretty cute.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
So we're back on our way to Tuchanka, and I was listening to an earlier journal entry. Figured while I have the downtime, I'd go over how my views of my crew changed.

  
Miranda, as I said before, is capable, calculating, ruthless when she needs to be, efficient, haughty... and human. So very human, vulnerable in ways she won't always admit. I don't know what to say of her self-esteem. She knows what she's capable of, but she doesn't seem to value _herself_ as she should. She's becoming a good friend.

  
Jacob. I so wanted to like him. He's a good soldier, he's loyal, skilled, and cunning. Push all of that aside, and there's a strain of bitter in him that seems to have carved out the great man he almost is. He takes rejection poorly, has been viperous in his regard of Thane, completely inconsiderate of Tali's feelings, and completely oblivious to the hurtful things he says and does. He hasn't made many more vocal statements on other crewmembers, but I see how he eyes Garrus when we're together.

  
Samara is lovely, beautiful inside and out, though her Code is harsh and unforgiving and has hardened her against her own maternal nature. She's become a confidante of sorts, even motherly towards me, speaking to me of harsh realities and lessons she's learned. I feel like she's passing on her wisdom to me, and I'm hungry for whatever she has to tell me. Being experienced doesn't mean you stop learning.

  
I like Jack. I really do. She says things how she sees them and doesn't censor herself. Yeah, maybe she could use a filter now and again, but she's opened up to me about herself. We've sat in her hidey hole exchanging life stories. I think she's begining to see that not everyone wants to use her and lose her. I told her I could put in a good word for her wherever she might want to make a fresh start if she doesn't stay on the Normandy.

  
Mordin is like a crazy smart uncle to me. While I was (and am pretty much still) repulsed by his work on the Genophage, a part of me does understand it from a purely logical point of view. I hope that finding his assistant on Tuchnanka will help him. He's terribly worried about Maelon and getting antsy. Hopefully Grunt will be able to sit still while we help Mordin.

  
Speaking of Grunt, finding him feels like I've adopted a very large teenage boy. Yeah, I have a bit of a maternal sensibility where he's concerned. Whatever's going on with him, I want to get it handled quickly. I need him at his best for this mission. I need him focused, and I need him to survive. When did I get so protective of him?

  
Thane is a beautiful person, not just for his exotic looks but for the deep spiritual side of his nature. For as lethal as I know him to be, he is gentle and does no deliberate harm unless it is at another's command, save for avenging his wife. I'm glad he and his son are talking, spending time together when we're at the Citadel. My father died when I was young; I'd like for Kolyat to have his a while longer.

  
I am intensely happy that Tali is back on board. She's the little sister I never had and didn't know I wanted. There's things we can talk about that I can't really talk about with anyone else, and she will keep my secrets the way I keep hers. I'm very proud of the woman she's grown (and is growing) into, and I hope her father can understand just how remarkable his daughter is, and that he can trust her to make him and the Migrant Fleet proud.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
I had to stop for a moment, think about Garrus carefully. He's important to me, closer than anyone has ever been to me. If one was to ask me if I love him, I'd say yes. Maybe not in that full-blown movie romance way, but a deeper love. It's the love between comrades, people who have had to wipe each others' blood off of themselves at the end of a hard battle, a trusted friend, a person as close to me as my own blood kin. I keep thinking back to that shock of seeing all of that blue pouring from his face after the gunship attack and the sinking feeling that came with considering for a second that he would die.

  
I know I've put too much on him, am tethered too hard to his presence in my life. He's said as much about me. He told me about going to Omega, about trying to lose himself and do good, to find purpose. I didn't want to be his anchor; I wanted him to mourn and move on. If I think of losing him now, would I _want_ to mourn and move on? I'd keep up at my job; the Reapers need to be stopped. There would still be a piece of me dead and buried with him. I feel that same cold pit any time I consider he may not live through this job.

  
So yeah, I'm sure I love him. I could be "in love". I'm definitely attracted to him. At the end of the day, I know he's my best friend, and my life would be colder and emptier if he weren't a part of it. Even if nothing comes of our intended night together, just from our talks about this, our intense respect for each other, I don't think anything will ruin our friendship.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sad chapter is sad. I do need to explain a concept for the non-Jewish. The following is paraphrased from Wikipedia.
> 
> A yahrzeit candle(Hebrew: נר נשמה, ner neshama,meaning "soul candle"; Yiddish: יאָרצײַט ליכט yortsayt likht, meaning "anniversary candle") is a type of candle that is lit in memory of the dead in Judaism. The use of a yahrzeit candle is a widely practiced custom, where mourners light a yahrzeit candle that burns for 24 hours, on the anniversary of the death on the Hebrew calendar.
> 
> As always, please leave some feedback!

[Open Log]

  
Damnation. I did miss Wrex. He has some pretty amazing plans for Tuchanka, really setting himself up as a leader, not just of Clan Urdnot, but of the rest of his people. He's making waves, and in this case, he has a lot of people listening. His plans are ambitious, but I see nothing but good for the krogan with his guidance.

  
As for Grunt, looks like he's "becoming a man" now or something. We ran him out for his Rite of Passage (and bless you, Wrex, for allowing it even though Grunt's a tank baby). Grunt seemed to really have the time of his life with the challenge of all of the wildlife trying to kill us, and, well, why not let him get the kill shot on a thresher maw? It's _his_ Rite, after all.

  
Of course there was this one krogan who caused some trouble beforehand, Gatatog Uvenk, and he showed up afterwards to cause some trouble and essentially be insulting to Grunt. Well, the asshole is dead now.

  
We're on a really short timeframe, and something has Tali really upset, so I took her with me to take care of Mordin's issue (she said she wanted something to distract her). Why not use the cover of night to infiltrate potentially hazardous territory? Well, it turned out that we still were met with opposition, but in the end, we got into the old hospital well enough.

  
The place looked like something from a horror vid. Corpses of humans and female krogan were everywhere. Brutal experiments were taking place. It was awful, but I couldn't rub Mordin's face in it, even if this was an indirect result of his work on the Genophage. I can be a bitch, but I'm not _that_ bitchy. I know he's wasn't responsible for that.

  
At any rate, we did end up fighting a lot of Weyrloc krogan, including the Clanspeaker and the clan's leader, Guld. I can now say that I've set a krogan on fire. (Wrex laughed his ass off when I told him.) It turns out Maelon was _willingly_ working with Weyrloc and did those horrific experiments himself. Mordin shot him, and to be honest, I don't know that I blame him. I can see how it's a betrayal of everything he stood for and tried to teach his student. We did, however, keep the data. I want to see a Genophage cure someday. We can't undo what Maelon did, but perhaps we can learn from it.

  
Heading back down to the surface now. We're spending the night in the Urdnot camp. It'll be nice to be somewhere that isn't being watched over by Cerberus.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Goddamn it, can't any of my people get a break? Tali is being accused of treason. Tali. Super loyal to her people. Everything the quarians should try to be and then some. Treason. No fucking way.

  
Time to go yell at some Admirals.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Okay, I was being facetious, but I did end up yelling at some Admirals.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Apparently the treasonous action was on the part of Tali's father. He rebuilt geth to study them, and they ended up taking over the _Alarei_. We found his corpse on the ship. Tali kept herself together admirably, but she's shut herself down in engineering for a while, burying herself in her work. She didn't lose her composure except for when we found him, and kept her mind in the game. I think she's earned some mourning time.

  
Those damn Admirals were using her as a political chip. Some want to retake Rannoch, some want to find new worlds. Tali was caught in the middle. So yeah, I yelled at them. Even if I believe Rael'Zorah was in the wrong with what he was doing, I had no problem covering it up for Tali's peace of mind. He was bent on giving Tali a home on Rannoch. I suppose one can't fault a father for wanting to give his daughter a better life, even if his methodology was dangerous and, well stupid.

  
I was thinking about my dad. Solomon Shepard was a kind man with plenty of hard edges. He was a combat marine, fierce and dedicated. He made N7 when I was an infant. He said he wasn't superstitious, but he'd keep the old ways alive, follow the old Jewish traditions he and Mom grew up with, even if we had to have a program tied to a lunar calendar and Jerusalem time for the sake of holidays. Mom kept it up after he died at Elysium. He would always say that the traditions bound us to where we came from, helped us never to forget the struggles humans had overcome to bring us to today.

  
I find it a little ironic that we laid Tali's father to rest on the eve of my father's Yarzeit. Maybe I'll invite Tali up at evening shift to light two lights, one in memory of my father and then one for hers.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I'm glad I invited her up here. She needed this. I think we both did. We sat up for hours talking about our fathers, about what they taught us. We talked about traditions and those in our cultures that resemble the others. She liked the idea of the Yarzeit candle (even if I use an artificial light on the ship), and she wants to do the same for her dad every year.

  
I wish she'd had the opportunity to be closer to her father.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're coming up to the end of Mass Effect 2! As always, feedback is appreciated. I will warn you that this chapter is a little more mature in the language department.

[Open Log]

  
I've done my best to help everyone tie up their loose ends. I want to make sure that everyone goes into the final mission with no regrets. I personally have very few things to do. I'm backing up my journal to send to my mother in case I don't make it. If Garrus makes it, he gets a copy. Like I said before, there's no one I trust more on this ship with the exception of Tali.

  
I'd like to say that I see a way out of this for us. We're all living like we'll make it through, making plans, deciding what we'll do, but we are all also prepared for the quite likely possibility that we're going to die. Mortality is a crushing thing. It has a way of putting your life in perspective, showing you what's most important. I'm making sure to fill these days preparing, making contingency plans, contacting the people who matter most to me, and making sure the people I care about know that I do.

  
I'm not really afraid of death. I've _been_ there. Dying isn't... a bad thing, even as much as a strong will fights against it. I just don't want to die like _that_ again. I haven't been able to talk about it. Thinking about it makes my heart race in ways I've rarely experienced. Garrus won't talk about how he was when he left C-Sec either, just tells me what he did, not how he felt. Tonight we're airing it all out. Maybe it's the last ghost to lay to rest before we move on so we can hit up that Reaper tomorrow with clear minds.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I am going to go on record saying that walking in a dead Reaper has to be one of the creepiest things I've ever done.

  
I took Garrus and Grunt wtih me on this job. I wanted skill and strength, and I needed the best of what both of them have. It's a damn good thing I did. So many damned husks. It was like that old vid with the zombies and shit, every one of them trying to latch on and bring us down. One never quite forgets the feeling of a biomechanical skull being crushed under a biotic-powered boot stomp. The sound alone is disgusting and oddly satisfying. It made cleaning my armor afterwards a pain in the ass.

  
Everyone there was indoctrinated in some way, the crew studying the Reaper. Probably turned into those husks that swarmed us. It's very difficult thinking of them as having been human once. After the ones we saw on Horizon, I kept dreaming that I'd wake up, look in a mirror, and my skin would peel off. Underneath? Yep, husk. A husk with a huge Cerberus logo on the forehead. Any one of those husks could have been a person with a family, kids, someone depending on them. All the more reason to stop the Collectors.

  
We made a friend of sorts, though. A geth sniper actually took down a number of husks, then it helped us with the Reaper's Mass Effect core. I'm not letting a potential asset out of my hands. A geth helping organics? I can't let this go.

  
We have the IFF, and EDI is studying it now. We're getting closer.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Geth are actually pretty interesting. I had no idea how they functioned. The geth we encountered was out cold when we brought him to the ship, and after a little arguing with Tali, we woke it up. It turns out that it's over a thousand different geth in one platform, but in the interest of ease, we're calling it Legion. (That's not omnious or anything.)

  
Apparently the geth who went along with Saren and the Reapers are "heretics" to Legion's faction. It explained things in some weird mathematical logic that I think I get. Upon Legion's insistence, we infiltrated a heretic station to prevent that faction from overwriting Legion's geth. Pretty much had two options: we overwrite heretics or we outright kill them. Legion couldn't form a consensus among the geth in its platform, so it left the choice to me.

  
So it's like this: we could do to the heretics what we're trying to stop them from doing to other geth and be super hypocrites, or we can just kill them. Yeah, we blew them up. I mean, there was logic in rewriting them, but that makes us no better than the heretics and the Reapers controlling them.

  
I did the right thing.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I am _beyond_ livid. I'm so angry I can't even... arrrrggh.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
They took my crew.

  
They fucking TOOK MY CREW.

  
Okay, deep breaths.

  
We took the whole squad down for a re-supply and a chance for everyone to take care of some last minute business. When we made it back, Joker was locked in the engine room and EDI was unshackled. The rest of the crew had been taken by Collectors. The IFF was a trap. I should have _known_.

  
Bastards.

  
So we're going after them. We're on our way right fucking now. I'm going to get a shower, try to relax a bit, and then I'm going to kick their asses from here to the next galaxy.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Got a bug and had to write the next chapter already.

[Open Log]

  
I was so angry, I'd almost forgotten about what Garrus and I had planned. He didn't.

  
He was there when I came out of the shower (and I was glad to have remembered my robe). He was nervous, but with good reason. His nerves actually settled my own, made me forget my anger, too, for a little bit. He brought wine, but we never touched it.

  
Yeah, there were awkward points, but doesn't that usually happen with first times no matter the experience? So there were a few surprises, some talk about what goes where and how to stimulate and a little hands-on education. Mordin sent enough educational material to embarass the both of us for a week, and while it helped, nothing beats practical experience.

  
We fit together better than I'd hoped.

  
Honestly enough, sex and making out and exploration took a backseat to talking for close to an hour. We'd already talked about the heavy things before, and well, phyiscal barriers going down seemed to remove some of the emotional barriers. It was just being close to someone, letting go and trusting someone else completely.

  
We're going for it now, through the Omega 4 Relay.

  
We can do this.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
This may be my last journal entry, so I'm making it count.

  
To my squad, however many of you survive, I am proud of you and proud of the progress we've made together. You are all amazing people, and I know you'll make sure the galaxy is ready if I don't make it.

  
Tali, little sister, yell at your Admirals. Be amazing.

  
Garrus, no more vigilante jobs. You know what we talked about. And hey, if we both live, we probably have quite a bit more to talk about.

  
Liara, hell, you're probably listening to this now, so stop snooping in my jounal and kick some informative ass.

  
Kaidan, I'm sorry.

  
Councilor Anderson, thank you, sir. Thank you for everything.

  
Admiral Hackett, please make them believe. Please make sure Earth is ready.

  
Mom, I love you. If I find Dad up there, I'll tell him you said hi. And if I make it back, well, I'm sure Dad won't mind waiting a bit longer.

  
Now enough of this sappy bullshit. We have some Collectors to blow up.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
He sat back, blinking hard. Of course they surved the mission. Garrus was certain they weren't going to, that he'd die in a gloriously heroic explosion, but Shepard would live. Somehow, she pulled off a miracle and got all of them through it.

  
Miranda telling off the Illusive Man was almost worth the shock of what they saw.

  
It was Miranda who actually came out of the secured doors, pulling a surgical mask off as she did so.

  
"Verdict?" Garrus asked.

  
"Reconstructing the cybernetics was a bitch," came the reply. "How they kept her alive for the week it took me to get to London is beyond me. She's tough."

  
"Damn right," he agreed.

  
"We're waiting for the power to cycle and see if she accepts the repairs. The cosmetic damage, thankfully, is healing. The deeper wounds are taking longer," Miranda explained.

Garrus nodded. "Just tell me when I can see her."

"I will." Miranda gave him a small smile, and then turned on her heel to head back into the operating room.

  
As silence settled around him, Garrus remedied that with reactivating Shepard's logs.

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
We lived. Oh god, we lived. _Everyone_ lived.

  
Garrus led the first team in with Legion going in through the vents. It was a firefight the entire time, right into the hornets' nest. I took a shot in the side that fused my armor, but it wasn't like I could just stop and go to the medbay.

  
We found the crew just beyond. Not just the crew, but the Horizon colonists were there, but they were liquified before our eyes. I'm amazed the crew made it out. Kelly has some terrible burns on her face (her pod started dissolving her) and so did a few of the others, but thankfully Karin is treating them all. Full recoveries are expected. I'm thankful Tali was able to lead them all back safely to the Normandy.

  
Miranda took a team, and this time Garrus and Zaeed were with me. Jack volunteered to protect us from seeker swarms, and she pretty much exhausted herself doing it. After that, I took Garrus and Miranda with me to stop... whatever that thing was.

  
A baby Reaper that looked like something out of my nightmares. It was a gigantic skeleton hooked up to tubes pumping liquified human remains into it. And that asshole TIM wanted to save the Collector base to study?! No! Didn't he care what they did? The place had to go.

  
I...

  
The fight was intense, harder than anything I've done. Garrus came damn close to falling off of the platform when that _thing_ reached out of the pit to take another swipe at us. After I pulled him up, we just ran. We all ran.

  
We lived.

  
My immediate want is to stay in bed for a week, but there's too much to do. Thankfully, I don't have to spend my nights alone.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another sad chapter, but now we're moving into the gap between 2 and 3.

[Open Log]

  
So I was pretty much right about Garrus's tongue. I don't know if I'm going to be able to walk in the morning.

  
[ _muffled low male voice_ ]

  
I'll be out in a sec, promise! Heh heh.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
This entry is flagged to go to Garrus's omnitool if I'm reported KIA.

  
Hackett is sending me to the Bahak system to rescue a deep cover operative, Amanda Kenson. I don't anticipate this being a very difficult mission; I've done solo rescue jobs before, and batarians aren't the toughest people I've gone against. I know he believes me about the Reapers, even if the official Alliance position is to deny their existence. This Kenson might have found a Reaper device, so this definitely interests me.

  
I'm going in alone and without Alliance or Cerberus credentials. This is me on a solo gig doing a favor for a friend. I'd feel better having Garrus at my back, but the Admiral requested discretion or don't do it at all, and I can't let this go. Aratoht definitely isn't on a list of places I'd ever want to visit, but I trust Hackett and owe him more. I'll do this for him.

  
Garrus is going to be _pissed_.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I killed three hundred thousand batarians... people today.

  
I smashed an asteroid into the Alpha Relay.

  
I did this of my own free will.

  
Admiral Hackett is here. I should go.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I haven't been sleeping well. Something about that much blood on one's hands can screw with sleep cycles. I _know_ it had to be done. I _know_ there was no other option. I tried to get a warning out. It doesn't matter, though. It still happened, and I am the one that pulled the trigger on Aratoht.

  
Damn Reapers! Damn Kenson. Damn it all. How many more people are going to die to stop those gigantic bastards? Is it going to be worth it if everyone's dead before we find a way? The Alliance has to believe me. The Council has to listen. I'm tired of screaming at walls. I'm tired of feeling this way.

  
I'm just tired.

  
I'm so...

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
Apparently I was more tired than I thought. Garrus came up to check on me, and I sort of let him have it. Loudly. He took it, too, let me work it out of my system, and then we talked. I'm positive at some point I passed out, because I just woke up in my bed with a note left saying Dr Chakwas has me off duty today.

  
I really can't sit still. I have a lot to do before I turn myself and the Normandy in.

  
Garrus won't like it, but he'll understand. This is bigger than whatever's going on with us.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Well, the crew didn't like it, but they're taking it. I dropped Miranda and Jacob on Illium with forged papers thanks to Liara, and Samara took her leave as well. A few of the Cerberus crew left, including Kelly. I know her experiences have shaken her far more deeply than she's letting on. I encouraged Ken and Gabby to go, too, but they want to turn themselves in as well. Those two are a fantastic pair.

  
We're on our way to Omega now. Jack said she didn't want to see me "pussy out" by turning myself in, but I'm sure she was covering up. I've learned to read her a bit better now. Mordin is returning to his clinic though he mentioned a possibility of returning to Sur'kesh. Gardner said he's taking off there, too, and has been preparing meals for storage as a thank you. Zaeed will be off as well, but he said he'd get word out among the independent mercs, at least try to lay down some more groundwork. After that, we're taking Tali back to the Migrant Fleet so she can hopefully get them ready for the Reapers.

  
Everyone else goes at the Citadel, even Garrus. I can't have him come to Earth and be potentially grounded there. We talked it out, and as much as he wants to have my back on Earth, he knows he has to get Palaven ready. We're not really sure where we stand together other than him being my closest and most trusted friend (with amazing benefits), but we're comfortable letting it sit where it is. This may or may not be goodbye, but our jobs aren't done.

  
I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss them all.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I've been opening and closing this thing trying to think of what to say. I couldn't say anything when we dropped Tali off. I couldn't say anything at Omega. Now we're at the Citadel and the ship feels empty. So many left. We maybe have a skeleton crew now, former Alliance and some who voluntarily left Cerberus who insisted on standing with me. Dr Chakwas, Joker, Ken, and Gabby have all insisted for various reasons. EDI, of course, told me she will find a way to make it past whatever retrofits the Brass want done.

  
Garrus left this morning, saw us off at the dock. He booked immediate passage to Palaven and said he'd make damn sure his people were ready. I know I can count on him. There's no one I trust more in the galaxy.

  
Okay, Normandy, let's go to Earth.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pissed off and bored Shepard is pissed off and bored. Please leave feedback!

[Open Log]

  
I surrendered my other logs this morning. Admiral Anderson took the information, said he'd keep private details just that. To be honest, I was surprised to see him. He stepped down as Councilor when I turned myself in, let Udina take the position. I wanted to ask him why he'd do that when we need him there, but to be honest, the Alliance... _Earth_ needs him more. I need him on my side if we're going to convince the powers that be the Reapers are coming.

  
My omni-tool has been locked to bare features only. I have my journal, a few holos, but nothing new. No download functionality, no upload. No Extranet. That's to be expected since I'm on lockdown. At least I have a room. Anderson's brought me a few datapads and some hardcover books. One was a book of poetry. It made me think of Ash.

  
It's only been about three weeks since we hit the Omega 4 Relay, but I'll admit that I miss the concept of having someone to wake up next to. It's not like Garrus moved in with me or anything; it's more that I knew if I called, he'd be there. I don't have anyone like that here, not that I'd really want anyone else in my bed.

  
There's a guard assigned to me, actually a Marine with a very impressive physique named James Vega. He insists on calling me "Commander" even though I technically have no rank. He's not really allowed to discuss Alliance business with me, but he's a decent guy and good company. I think it's tearing him up he's not allowed to ask me about my career, but hey, we're both soldiers, and I'm better than him at poker.

  
Next week the interrogations start, but with that I also get gym time. I'm getting tired of working out in this damn room.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I made one request. I asked for a journal, a real paper-and-ink journal. I've started writing things out. It'll make a hell of a memoir. I'm recording writing strokes with my omnitool as well. Perhap's it's irrational, but the act of writing down things in my life is helping me come to terms with it. I've never much been one to look backwards, but hell, I don't know what there is ahead of me right now other than convincing people that we're all going to die in a fiery bloody shitstorm if they don't start getting ready.

  
The Batarians want my blood, of course. It turns out my detention is as much for my protection as it is for punishment. I've done my best to stay level-headed through these proceedings, but I don't blame them for hating me. I wish there had been a way to save those people. This is why I don't like looking back.

  
I want to know how my crew is doing, but of course I'm not going to try to get any messages out, not even going to ask. It's useless, and I need to keep my credibility built up. Still, Anderson let something slip. He told me Garrus had gone home. That's all. I know he's out there raising hell to get the turians ready. I need to be doing the same here.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I.

  
Am.

  
Bored.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
What's it been now, a month? I'm not updating this as I should, but fuck, there's nothing to update. Still the same bullshit and beaurocracy. Still the same brick wall I'm yelling at. I'm going crazy here. I can't sit here and do nothing when there's so much preparation to be done, and I have very little knowledge of what's going on outside of my room.

  
I have seen ships leaving, though. Battle cruisers and recon ships have been flying out of the docks here with increasing frequency. Let's hope it's because people are listening.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Two months now. I cut off my long hair. I kept the braid, though. It was my one real vanity, I suppose. Time to let that go just like everything else.

  
Mom finally was allowed in to see me. A huge part of me wanted to sink down and have her sing to me like when I was a little girl. I'm so tired, tired of arguing, of repeating the same story time after time. She knew. Of course she did, she's mom.

  
She took the braid with her.

  
[Close Log]

\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I'm on the second journal now. They're trying to keep me busier, but...

  
I don't know.

  
I told the Committee to start petitioning the other planetary governments to strengthen alliances, to band together, to get each other ready as a whole. They said they'd take my suggestions "under advisement", which pretty much means "shut the hell up".

  
I need to punch something.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

[Open Log]

  
"The world is all gates, all opportunities, strings of tension waiting to be struck."

  
Emerson, Ash? That's who said it, right?

  
This is going to be a hell of a release.

  
[Close Log]


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still plugging away! Feedback is helpful. I'm going to try to get a few more chapters out during the week as I'll be out of town on 5.21-5.30.

[Open Log]

  
Anderson came by today. He had whiskey with him, and bless that man for his considerate nature because after today's interrogation, I need a damn drink or five. Or fifty. Whatever I can get away with. Anderson had James looking the other way (haha), and he came in for a long chat and a few drinks.

  
We didn't really talk much about my incarceration or the batarians or any of that. We talked about the Normandy, about the crew. He said they've been getting anonymous intel, well, anonymous except for the "ML" signed at the bottom. It's all otherwise untraceable. Damn sure that's Miranda. I'm glad she's keeping busy and away from the Illusive Asshole. So far, it's all been Cerberus outposts and intel on the Collectors. It's resulted in several cells being taken down and even the freedom of missing Alliance personel, folks written off as KIA. I'm glad for that.

  
When he left, there was a book on my table I didn't remember leaving there. Turns out to be a turian novel translated into Galactic Common, merely translated as The Improbable Victor. Turian titles tend to be pretty direct, leaving very little to guess about, content-wise. I wondered what Anderson would be doing leaving turian literature with me, and then I saw something scrawled on one of the pages. I don't read turian writing very well, just a few signs and navigation points, but what I did recognize was Garrus's signature and a date. He sent this to Anderson almost a month after we parted ways.

  
I miss that stubborn smartass turian.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I don't think I've ever really been lonely before. I've been alone, stuck on jobs by myself or like it was with my N7 final drill alone on that asteroid. I was always _free_ in those situations, in motion, no walls other than whatever building I might have been sneaking around in. Here, I'm stuck either in my room, the mess (under guard), the gym (under guard), or in whatever damned meeting the Brass calls. I haven't been outside at all since I surrendered myself. I've seen Hackett all of once and Anderson three times in the last five months.

  
I hate admitting it, but I'm tired and lonely. I miss the Normandy, miss my crew. I miss Garrus. I've been thinking about him almost every day except for when I'm too pissed off at the massive amounts of NOTHING happening here. The Reapers are coming, and everyone's sitting with their collective thumbs up their collective asses. I know my crew is out there making things happen as best as they can. I just hope the Reapers don't show up here and I never see them, never see him again.

  
Ugh, I'm moping. Fucking _useless_.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Okay, I admit it, nearly six months without _stimulation_ is really shitty for my morale.

  
I wonder if there's anyway I could get Nerve Stim Pro for my uniform.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
There's something going on. There's a lot more commotion outside than I'm used to. All right, well, I might start keeping a few things in my cargo pockets. Not like they've got weapons or medigel or anything useful in them.

  
I just hope this isn't what I'm afraid it is.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

 

  
[Open Log]

  
It's _exacty_ what I was afraid it was.

  
The Reapers hit Earth.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, the writing bug bit me.

[Open Log]

  
Everything is happening so quickly. I... I need some time to think.

  
I don't have the luxury of time, not really.

  
One moment, I'm pretty much telling the Brass "I told you so" and the next moment, there's a presumably angry Reaper blowing a red beam through the hall. Anderson and I got out, got to the Normandy, but Anderson stayed behind, sent us off to the Citadel. I understand why, I do, but I don't have to like it. He reinstated me, too, so I'm officially under orders.

  
Kaidan was on board, got things ready for us, met us on board. Pulled Vega along with him. Of course Vega argued, but I talked him down, had Kaidan backing me up. Sort of funny, since he was questioning me the entire time we were on Mars. He has definitely become a better officer, more than earned his rank, but... I just wish he'd trust me. I've always stayed true to my beliefs, acted in ways I thought were best for the good of all. It's like Garrus told him on Horizon: he's too blinded by the Cerberus thing.

  
So yeah, Hackett sent us to the Archives on Mars to get some information, and Cerberus was after it, too. Liara was there, and she was most assuredly a sight for sore eyes. She's also become quite a bit more capable in the last few months, even moreso after become the Shadow Broker. She didn't question me, thankfully, and had my back like in the old days. At any rate, it turns out that a Cerberus infiltration mech was on Mars to steal some data about a Prothean device. We stopped it, thankfully, but not before it beat the shit out of Kaidan.

  
We're on our way to the Citadel now. He's stable, thankfully, but damn it, I'm not losing him. I may have been pissed off at him before, but I never stopped considering him a friend, never stopped caring about him, and I'm not going to let him die. Not on my watch. Not with things how they are.

  
EDI and Liara are going through that mech now, trying to get the plans out. I hope they have it by the time we get to the Citadel.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Damn it. The Council is just as stubborn and full of shit as ever. They Reapers are theatening everyone, not just Earth! Can't they see that? And Udina, never liked him, but at least he's trying. That's _something_.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
That was... interesting.

  
Councilor Sparatus came in while I was going over things with Udina and made an offer. There's a peace summit going on, and we can appeal directly to the turian Primarch if we can get him off Palaven. Actually, one of Palaven's moons, Menae. I hate being the errand girl, but this is better than nothing.

  
Kaidan is in stable condition, though it was touch and go, so I feel okay leaving knowing that he's going to get better. We'll need him in top condition with what we're facing. Thane was there, but he's not coming with me. His illness keeps him in the hospital with daily therapy and treatment. He's keeping an eye on Kaidan for me, thankfully.

  
While I was at the hospital, I ran into Karin! She's coming back to the Normandy, so I'm taking care of requisitions and a few things while she moves her gear. Dr Chloe Michel was there as well, and of course she asked about Garrus.

  
I wonder if he's all right. Palaven is burning.

  
Gotta stop thinking about that.

  
[Close Log]  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
There's the word from Joker, and bless EDI for her ruse as a VI to keep him on board! And Adams! AND with my Spectre status affirmed, I was able to pardon Ken and Gabby. They're back on board now. My crew is coming back together.

  
But yeah, we're off to Menae now to rescue a Primarch.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Oh no, Palaven. It looks like Earth did when we left. Actually, it looks what Earth looks like right now: burning and dying. They're fighting, though. The turians are giving their all, but I wonder if it's really enough. I've seen fighters already torn apart. EDI insists our Reaper IFF is keeping us hidden, but I don't know for how long.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to get a few more chapters out this week. I'm heading to Alabama to see my grandmother, who is in the hospital, so there may not be much from me after the 5.21.
> 
> As always, please leave me feedback!

[Open Log]

  
It's Garrus. He's alive. He's in the Main Battery.

  
For once, it feels like things might end up okay.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
It's been a busy few days, just got a chance to catch up. I feel a bit more urgency in updating this thing, just in case...

  
Well, I don't like considering any chance that we'll lose, so I won't go there. Instead, I should be recapping what's been going on. I've just been so busy. There's so much to do and only so much time to do it. I'm only one person, but I thankfully have a crew that kicks sufficient amounts of ass. I have Garrus back, and that's done more for my personal morale than I could ever put into words, more than I let myself think about. I was preparing myself for the worst.

  
We went to Menae looking for Primarch Fedorian, only to find out from General Corinthus that he died. We did our best to lend support, got the comm lines going again, shot at Husks of all varieties, including these things we're just calling "Brutes". (Funny how we come up with menacing nicknames for our enemies while we're trying not to die.) Garrus joined up with us (more on that in a sec), and we found the next Primarch, Adrien Victus. I felt like shit asking him to leave his men, especially given how we left Earth, but it's necessary. I know he understands that.

  
So. Victus. Garrus trusts him, and from what the others have told me, his unorthodox strategies may be exactly what we need in this war. I don't know him well, of course, but my instincts say to trust him. Of course, going to unorthodox, he requests the krogan at this summit. Any other day, I'd think he was crazy and it wouldn't work, but Wrex is in charge. I have a chance.

  
Hold on.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
No rest for the wicked, huh? Putting out fires, hopefully before they blaze too big. That was Wrex, and he'll be here. Thank whatever gods or spirits exist, and if I was a praying person, I'd ask one more favor: make this summit turn out like I need it to.

  
So I was talking about Garrus next. You know those stupid romance vids where two lovers reuninte and the rest of the world vanishes and cheeseball music plays? I swear that happened, at least for a moment. He took my hand in both of his, and just for a moment, there was no war and everything felt right. Of course, it was just a moment, but I don't know. My mother said she and my dad would have moments like that, being reuinted after battles or long dangerous duty-related separation. I'd laugh and roll my eyes, but now, I get it.

  
We're pretty much picking up where we left off, casual and quiet, catching time together when it works out. I don't know if taking this to the next step up is good for either of us, but he's not asking, so I'm not deciding. Not yet, not until I get my head wrapped around a few things. I'll put it this way: we're not making plans about mutant hybrid turian-human babies or anything right now. (Also, I think that'd make for a very strange-looking child.)

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Tevos, I could slap you for an hour right about now. I NEED the asari in on this! Arr... ok, deep breaths. I can get this to work. We'll do it without them. Wrex is smarter and wiser than most people think, and Dalatrass Linron will be there. Victus has a good head on his shoulders. This can work. It _will_ work.

  
We're doing a few system sweeps for intel and resources, and then this goes down. Time to dust off the Dress Blues.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I do _not_ like that woman at all. Linron has her head so far up her ass she can see the back of her own teeth. What, am I supposed to be diplomatic in my own journal? I am _beyond_ frustrated, but thankfully she's cooperating. Not like she has any choice. We're a few hours out from Sur'Kesh now, so she better have the STG folks ready for us.

  
I gave Wrex a terminal in the War Room so he could keep coordinating with his people on Tuchanka. Even if he's antsier than I've ever seen him, it's damn good to have him on the Normandy. He and Garrus are thankfully past the antagonism of their respective races and have been catching up. I think I'll head down and pester him for a little before we touch down.

  
I wonder who the mole in STG was, though. Not many salarians seem to be willing to help the krogan. I wonder if... nah. He said he stands by his decision.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I managed to get one more done before my trip. I'll be gone for ten days, so hopefully I can get a chapter written when I return. As always, please leave feedback in the comments!

[Open Log]

  
I really hate Cerberus. Have I said that?

  
We got to Sur'kesh just fine. Wrex was as charming as ever, but thankfully no real problem arose from his presence. I was surprised to see Kirrahe there! He's been promoted, and we've got his support, him and an STG operative named Padok Wiks.

  
Well, it turns out Wrex's mole in STG was none other than Mordin. It was really good to see him again, and even better to see him working to help the Krogan females, or I should use the singular since only one survived. Of course, Cerberus wanted to sabotage a genophage cure, so we had to fight our way out through a bunch of them (and an Atlas, ugh), but "Eve" is on the ship now, and Mordin is taking care of her.

  
We had a long talk, she and I. I like her quite a bit. I'm proud to call her a friend now, and I hope I have more opportunities to talk with her. I think she'd be a good fit for Wrex, smooth out those rough edges and balance his more violent side.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
It's that nightmare again. I'm in a forest of burnt dead trees. There's a park bench, fallen leaves, and that boy I left behind on Earth. I haven't wanted to think about him after seeing his shuttle shot down with him in it, but my brain apparently has other ideas. He's in this dream every time. I'm chasing him, and there's this godawful noise, like the sound the Reapers make when they're firing their main gun. I feel this ice in my center, but I keep running, keep trying to get to him. When I finally reach him, he's burning.

  
This waking up in a cold panicked sweat almost every night is getting old. I've been taking stims to limit my sleep, but I have to stay centered for the crew and for the mission. It's just hard when every time I sleep alone, I see that same thing. It's a little better when Garrus is here; he knows I'm having nightmares but doesn't push me to talk about it.

  
Seems my journal entries tend to go back to him, just like my thoughts when I have a free moment. Heh.

  
Well, maybe I'll head to the Battery and see if he's awake. Probably is, calibrating something or the other.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I could kiss Traynor. Well, I mean, I could if I wasn't interested in a ruggedly handsome turian.

  
She found a distress signal that seemed to have been answered by a turian response group, but it was the same that Cerberus used to get us to go into that damned collector vessel. Turns out Cerberus led the attack and was trying to kidnap the biotic students being trained there. I met Kahlee Sanders, apparently an old flame of Anderson's, and she helped us get to the kids.

  
Well, the kids and Jack. I was surprised, but in retrospect, who else would be so concerned about biotic kids being taught properly?

  
We got them out, thank goodness. I was just... there was one girl who was shot down by a Cerberus soldier. She couldn't have been more than sixteen. I was so angry, _so_ angry. A school should be a sanctuary, a safe haven, a place for learning. I hope we can return after the war and properly tend to the dead.

  
Not only did we run into Jack there, but David Archer was helping to protect his fellow students with a force field generator. We got him evacuated safely as well. He's been on the ship chatting with EDI, getting along like old friends. I can't say I know what it feels like, being autistic, being overwhelmed by so many things we take for granted, but I've done what I can to make him comfortable while he's on board.

  
Jack's been making the rounds, visiting people she knew before. Mostly just trying to give Garrus and Joker a hard time. It's been funny. She and Wrex are getting along, too, having "biotic target practice" in the hold. Steve might just have a heart attack if they hit his Kodiak one more time.

  
Mostly, I'm glad the kids are safe. There's no one else who'd care for them as much or as hard as Jack does.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
We're on our way to Utukku, meeting up with Aralakh Company as a favor to Wrex. Don't know what we'll find there, but there's bound to be some heavy fighting if the best and brightest of the krogan are there to investigate.

  
I think I'll bring James along on this one.

  
Also, all of this "we'll talk privately" business makes me think just a little too much of high school. Politicians are big teenagers sometimes.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
My tank baby! Okay, I won't ever call Grunt that to his face, but damn if it wasn't good to see him! Wish we could have saved his men, but I'm proud and thrilled Grunt made it out alive. I hated sacrificing his men to save the rachni queen. Thankfully, he's not holding it against me. Actually, he's not holding much of anything. He's lost a lot of blood and a couple of his systems are damaged, but Dr Chakwas and Mordin are both attending to him. He'll be on the mend once we get him to Tuchanka.

  
I hope this rachni thing doesn't bite me in the ass again.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
If things turn serious with me and Garrus, I'm investing in a turian-friendly bed. I don't know how he can stand sleeping on his side like that. Wouldn't rolling over hurt his spurs? Not like he complains about it.

  
And here I am speculating again. Hello, Shepard, you have a war to win.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm back from my visit to Alabama. My grandmother is paralyzed on her left side, but she's in great spirits and is doing a little better in therapy every day! 
> 
> Shepard, of course, has fifty million side missions to do, but I figured she's saving her details for official reports. Who wants to talk about finding a banner for some turians or a volus book? Well, she remembers it all, but it's not diary material.
> 
> As always, please leave feedback and suggestions in the comments below! Thanks for your patience!

[Open Log]

  
Looks like we're not taking Grunt to Tuchanka. We need to take him to the Citadel instead. His injuries are quite a bit worse than Dr Chakwas knew at first. One of his hearts failed, a lung has collapsed, and he's actually got a damn concussion. My hard-headed krogan tank baby has a concussuion!

  
There's a part of me that really does have a maternal feeling towards him. It's stupid, but waking him from the tank has proven to be one of the best moments of my life. I love that kid.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I am damn tired of being the official errand girl for EVERY DAMN PERSON on the Citadel. In this case, however, I've agreed to go to Benning to find something for the father of a missing marine, an ambassador named Dominic Osoba. Turns out we also have orders to go to Benning to investigate civilian abductions, so I'm determined to find out what happened to Osoba's son.

  
So yeah, also ran into Matriarch Aethyta. Turns out my guess from the Shadow Broker vid files was correct: she's Liara's dad. With our time so precious, I encouraged Liara to talk with her. Works out for us since Aethyta promised a squad of asari commandos to the cause. That's more than the asari government has done.

  
I also ran into Kelly Chambers! She was helping the refugees, carrying a lot of trauma. Cerberus has been hunting down their former operatives, though, so I warned her to change her ID. I hope it's enough.

  
When I went to check up on Kaidan, I saw Thane at Huerta. He wouldn't come with us. I honestly don't blame him, given how close he is to the end. I still hope the doctors can find a treatment to futher prolong his life, even heal him. I always found Thane to be a calming presence on the Normandy. Knowing he's safe and alive on the Citadel is a comfort, too.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
_Really_ , Cerberus?! I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, but it was worse than the brass feared. They were shooting civilians in the streets. We saved a few, thankfully, and the injured are healing in the med bay.

  
I found Osoba's son's dog tags. He's dead. Not the news I want to report.

  
Making a few runs, one to Ismar and a few other places, then the Citadel again.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Met up with a Spectre named Jondum Bau. I think he has a little bit of the salarian version of a crush on Kasumi. Of course, she showed up, too. There was an indoctrinated hanar diplomat. I think I can safely say that this is the first time I've seen a dead hanar. Yeah, we stopped it from taking down the hanar defense grid, and Kasumi had her dramatic "death scene", meaning she faked it big time. Bau was convinced.

  
Kasumi's going to do some tech advising and hacking for the Alliance. We need her.

  
Also, I _really_ like Bau.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
While Mordin is working on his cure and boosting Eve's strength, I've been spending time with Garrus helping the refugees. I got the docking director to let a loaded ship dock, got them settled, and now I'm coordinating some medical supply trades and a dextro ration synthesizer for the turians.

  
While we were down there, we saw Lia'Vael nar Ulnay vas Tonbay. She's completed her Pilgrimage, but when she heard there was a need for dextro rations, she came to set up a few quarian-style farming planters. They're meant to have a high yield with a very low growth time. She didn't know anything about Tali, sadly, just that all of the quarians were being called back to the Migrant Fleet and that she didn't have long on the Citadel.

  
Of course Garrus remembered her. I think he was a bit baffled as to why she detoured like she did. Lia said she remembered what I did for her, heard the Normandy was docked, and wanted to help. She's definitely kinder to people here than they were to her. I'm glad to see that she's doing well and completed her Pilgrimage.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Setting off to Tuchanka now. Wrex _really_ hates scapels.

  
Heh heh heh.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My Shepard can be a bit of a potty mouth. This is a very sad chapter, very emotional for her. As always, please leave feedback!

[Open Log]

  
I really do spend a lot of time in this thing talking about missions and whatnot, but I don't know, that's my entire life right now. Fighting, fighting, fighting, and more fighting. I'd like a mission where I can sleep for a night without interruptions or bad dreams. Yeah, indulge me in a selfish moment.

  
So we're off to Tuchanka. It's really coming to a head with the krogan. I truly hope Mordin can pull this off. He needs a few more days, at least.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Lieutenant Tarquin Victus. Even without Garrus telling me, nepotism tends to bite one in the ass. Tarquin seems like he has it in him, just lacks the experience his dad has. We're meeting back up with him and his men to take out some bomb the turians had the bright idea to leave on Tuchanka a long while back.

  
This keeps getting better.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
He sacrificed himself. For a turian, that's a really good death, even if it was an expected course of action.

  
I've left Primarch Victus the Observation Lounge to spend some private time grieving his son. There's not much we can do for him, and we don't really have the luxury of time, but I can give him this. Too many parents are losing children in this war, too many families separated.

  
Garrus still hasn't heard from his dad or sister. I did pull him aside and tell him I saw that dossier the former Shadow Broker had on him. No secrets between us. His mother died before the Reapers came. From what I can tell, though he misses her, a part of him is relieved that she doesn't have to go through that hell, especially in the fragile state she was in during her final days. His sister Solana is military, he said, but was still on leave for mourning, and then she started working with their father to help organize things on Palaven.

  
Garrus says he's not a very good turian, but I don't care, he's a good _person_. He's in the lounge right now talking to the Primarch, helping out how he can.   
If we survive this war, I could easily see myself retiring with him. I'm not scared; the thought gives me hope.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
This is it, the big day. Mordin's cure is ready, and there's nothing else on Tuchanka or the ship to stop us from getting this done, well, except a huge ass Reaper thing blocking the Shroud (we're using it to spread the cure). The gun we liberated from Cerberus has come in very handy in repelling further interference from them.

  
I think Garrus is of two minds about this. He's had it drilled into his head from birth that the krogan deserve the genophage, and even if he tries to speak those lines, I don't know if he fully believes them anymore. He trusts me, however. I hope I stay worthy of it.

  
Wrex is itching. We're dropping in an hour, so better get my team together and make sure Eve is okay. I like her. I hope she makes it. She's damn good for Wrex.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
....

  
....

  
....

  
....

  
Crap, I've been sitting with this thing open for thirty minutes already. I... just don't know what to say, don't understand what I'm feeling. So many things, so much all at once.

  
I knew the krogan had been a great civilization before, but what I saw in those ruins was amazing. Their art and culture were all destroyed by their own hand, but now... now they have a chance to reclaim that. They can have children again and live productive lives, assuming we stop the Reapers.

  
Mordin. I've actually been sitting in my room in the dark with a tissue. He knew this was his last mission, the last thing he'd do. He expected to die. I could hear him on the comm, singing to himself. He went happy. How could I deny him that? How many people can say they've seen their life's work come full circle like that? Bakara, Eve's real name, spoke of honoring him. Probably one of the only salarians to be uplifted in krogan memory.

  
We could lose everything. A stray bullet could take me out. Garrus could...

  
I'm going to tell him when we reach the Citadel.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Cerberus. FUCK CERBERUS. The place was under attack. We got a note before from the salarian councilor, saying he needed to speak with us, but... UGH. Udina. I should have know, should have guessed. Maybe he was indoctrinated. I know The Illusive Man's been interested in that concept. Look at his troops. But...

  
Calm down, breathe.

  
Thane died protecting the councilor. My dear friend, this was not the end you wanted. I'm glad I got to tell you goodbye, that you lived so that Kolyat and I could see you off to the Sea. Given the circumstances of the war, his empty body was cremated and the ashes scattered in the Presidium lake. Of course, they'll be filtered out, but I think Thane would appreciate the gesture. As soon as we can, we're going to have a private ceremony with those of us who served with him before the war.

  
Kaidan is back on the Normandy now. I'm glad I talked him down. Garrus would have shot him so we could stop Udina. He and I had a talk about it at the Memorial Wall on the Normandy. We stood there together for a long while, looking over the names, just being quiet together. He's one of very few people I can be in comfortable silence with.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another one down! Was this what the Shakarian fans were waiting for?

[Open Log]

  
I think we've all been trying to forget. It's sometimes easy to put on the "Commander Shepard" face in front of everyone, to be that person they expect me to be, but sometimes I'm tired of being the strong one, tired of shouldering the burden. It does't mean I'm going to tell them, doesn't mean I'm going to crack, but sometimes I'd just like simple orders, a simple mission, and going to bed without nightmares. Maybe cuddle up with my favorite turian, watch some vids, be _average_. Kaidan talked about a "sanity check", and yeah, I liked the idea. Everyone needs that, but not to toot my own horn, everyone else isn't _me_. They're looking to me to be some kind of damn savior, and I have no idea what's going to happen.

  
I've spent time with the crew at various places on the Citadel. Saw Jack, even tried to dance to cheer her up. Drank with Vega, lunch with Kaidan, chatting with Liara. I spent some more time with Kolyat; he said he's trying to put a few things in order before there's a proper memorial for Thane. Grunt is going stir-crazy when he's not drugged at Huerta. Chatted with Wrex on the extranet for a bit. I set up a memorial for Mordin in the Refugee Camp.

  
I don't know what I was expecting. I finally had a little time alone, just sort of spent it looking out of the window at an observation room near the embassies, and was going to head back to the Normandy when Garrus was there by a skycar, waiting for me.

  
"One Turian Kind of Woman", huh? I know what those kinds of questions are in turian society; it's a question of intention. Usually that preceeds a period of a relationship leading up to marriage, like a pre-engagement thing. Pretty serious business. We spent the whole rest of the day cycle up there, shooting bottles, doing a few things we had to make sure weren't caught on camera (sooo glad he thought to bring a signal scrambler).

  
So it's official. It's serious. We have intent, and I don't give a shit who knows. I love him. If the press, the brass, my mom, anyone has a problem with that, I'll tell them what I think. He and/or I might not survive the war, and I'm done wasting time. He's moving into my cabin officially, and anyone who doesn't like it can just deal with it.

  
I'm Commander Shepard, and my boyfirend is Garrus Vakarian, badass turian sniper and number one callibrator. If I have one thing for myself, it will be waking up to him every day cycle.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Garrus is doing wonders for my morale.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
Off to some hidden Cerberus base to recruit some scientist defectors. We could use them.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Jacob Taylor is going to be a daddy. He's also not coming back on the Normandy. He seems to have gotten more of his shit together, thankfully. He's good at his core; he just has this pissiness about him that he needs to get over. Maybe being a dad will be good for him. I've been chatting with Jacob's fiancée Brynn off and on. I like her a lot, and she's gone a long way into straightening out some of his attitude.

  
All of those scientists and their families have been relocated and are working on the Crucible now. Hackett's been good to help them with transport and housing. Things are looking up.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Samara has lost another daughter today. The Reapers are taking Ardat-Yakshi and making them these... things that scream like banshees and are tough bitches to fight. At least she has a daughter left and is working to make things right between them. Falere is strong and in control of herself. Maybe this will give my friend some peace before the big push.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Garrus, damn it, give me back my omnitool! Turn it off! You just turned on the recording function for my dia-

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
We got a message from the Migrant Fleet. We're off to meet up with the Admirals. Maybe now we'll get the help from them we desperately need.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a general apology to those keeping up with this story. Real Life has intruded. I'm back to working on it. Thank you for being patient!
> 
> Edit: Posted the chapter!

[Open Log]

  
So little pilgrim Tali'Zorah nar Raaya has grown up into Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy (she kept the name). I'm so proud of her. Tali is probably as close to a little sister as I'll ever have, and while she carries the mantle with unease, I know she'll make a hell of an admiral. I'm positive she's learned from her father's mistakes...  
...if they survive.

  
Attacking the geth with the Reapers on everyone's ass was stupid. STUPID. Surely her people understand that? No, if they did, they wouldn't be attacking. STUPID.  
We just took down a geth dreadnought. Legion was there, and for some reason, I'm not surprised. His new fascination with the Reaper code, however, just seems so... out of character. I guess being exposed to how they think might have been some inspiration, but he said before that the geth were rejecting all gifts from the Old Machines. There has to be some logic there I don't understand.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
Yeah, there's something I didn't mention. The access port was this long boarding tube that was really in bad shape. I had to use mag boots to get to the other side. The entire time, I kept looking into the gaps and see the endless void, Rannoch in the near distance, stars sending light from thousands of years away. For a moment, the memory came back.

  
I was scared shitless when it happened, when I was spaced. Now, there's a small part of me that thinks that I could just let go, float away, leave the Reapers and all of this bullshit behind me, maybe die for real this time. Then I want to punch myself in my face repeatedly. I don't want to die. I want to see this through. I'm going to earn my damn retirement, and Garrus better be ready to adopt some krogan babies. The end.

  
That's optimism.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Geth Concensus. Yep. Did that. Wasn't any more fun than when David Archer pulled me into his virtual world. The geth would have no reason to fabricate such data. The quarians truly were to blame.

  
There wasn't really a lot of time to go over it with the quarians, given we had to save one of their admirals, too, and then scurry down to Rannoch. This is where it gets hard to believe. Not the part where I pretty much took down a Reaper on foot (had the entire Migrant Fleet and the Normandy behind me on that one). Not the part where Legion wanted to upload the Reaper code. Not the part where I apparently ended a 300 year old war by yelling at people. Not what the Reaper told me.

  
Legion is dead. He died to make his people more... alive. He died for something he said he didn't want only a year ago. All I can do is honor that choice and... remember he was Legion in the end, not the collection that existed in that shell.

  
I'm tired of losing friends to this war. At least Tali has come home.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Going to be silent for a few days. Doing a favor for Aria T'Loak of all people, but hey, if it works, Omega is out of the hands of Cerberus.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I know far more about Aria than I ever thought I'd learn. She was involved with a turian named Nyreen Kandros a while back, and apparently Nyreen took over the Talons and started fighting back against Cerberus. I really liked her; she had a strong moral center, determination, and dedication to the citizens of Omega. She sacrificed herself to save so many...

  
That's still fresh in my thoughts. I went with Aria to help her take back Omega, and, well, her plan didn't exactly go smoothly, but we got her base of operations set up and worked at sabotaging General Petrovsky's network of barriers. (He is one self-absorbed ass.) Well, he also had these nasty things called adjutants hiding on the station and... long story short, Nyreen exploded her entire load of grenades with herself and them inside a biotic barrier.

  
I have never seen Aria lose control the way she did. I don't blame her.

  
Omega is free, Petrovsky is dead (we didn't need him; Aria was going to let him go), and I'm back on the Normandy. It's been a busy couple of days.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I've promised everyone a little leave time on the Citadel. I insisted Garrus go spend some time with the turian refugees. I know he's been worried about them. Maybe it'll keep his mind occupied for a while.

  
I'm off to the Presidium to visit a Dr Garret Bryson. He's got some sort of artifact there, and Admiral Hackett wants me to check in. Should be easy after the last few weeks.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kind words and kudos you lovely readers have left. This is pretty much the Leviathan chapter with a little bit of introspection on Jana's part.

[Open Log]

  
Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

  
I would very much like to have something not end in people dead or having to wrestle guns out of the hands of the indoctrinated. Totally not like usual indoctrination, though. This was flat out _mind control_. Yuck. This reminded me a lot more of the Thorian. In fact, the good and now-deceased Dr Bryson drew a parallel between that thing and this thing he calls "Leviathan".

  
What is it with people in my life drawing Biblical references?

  
We're off to Mahavid in the Aysur system to look for Alex Garneau, our best lead on hunting down whatever this Leviathan thing. Maybe it might help us against the Reapers.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I am sick and fucking tired of mind-control!

  
I am also completely frustrated and need to cool my head.

  
So yeah, everyone at the Mahavid facility was under the Leviathan's control. Some guy pretending to be Garneau tried to kill me. The real Garneau was dead, as we found, and the facility's personel were under control for ten years. They're in for a hell of a shock, poor folks.

  
So now EDI is reviewing some files. We've pretty much figured out that we need to find Ann Bryson, the late doctor's daughter. The _Kirkwall_ took her out out, and by the looks of things, the Zaherin system is where we need to be looking. According to what EDI's sent over, Namakli is our best bet.

  
I want Garrus and Kaidan with me on this. We're sure to encounter Reaper forces, and I need a strong biotic. I've got Liara scouring data feeds for any other information that can help us; the Shadow Broker stays with her network. Javik comes on the next one.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Yeah, I was pretty much right. Reapers. Yuck.

  
This also isn't the way Ann should have found out about her father. She's using her grief as motivation, though, finishing her father's work and looking for answers. James kept her held down while she let this artifact thing (maybe a signal-booster of some sorts for the Leviathan) get in her head. We got a fix on where we need to head next. Looks like their little black artifacts can boost their signal for tracking, too. Bet they didn't figure on that.

  
I now am in possession of a Husk head. James' idea, not mine. Funny, though, it really creeps Garrus out. For me? I don't know, I might have ended up one if the Illusive Man had his way, like he did with his troops. Garrus said he refuses to sleep unless we keep that thing on _my_ desk, so fine.

  
He's actually getting a bit more on the protective side. It's sweet, and I'm not really annoyed or put off. He knows I can handle myself; he just doesn't like seeing me hurt. I feel the same. It wasn't too long ago that he was giving General Oraka a hard time about acting out of love, and now I think he gets it. Truth be told, I get it, too.

  
Anyway, off to 2181 Desponia. Let's see if this data is correct.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
So cold. So dark. I... I have to make myself talk about it. It was darker and colder than dying in space, but facing death before made this... I don't know. I hardened myself. Now that I'm back on the Normandy, relatively safe and much warmer, _remembering_ it is so... I don't have words.

  
It wasn't an it. It was a they, and they were so old. Heh, old and overconfident. But still, to be in the presence of beings so ancient felt humbling. They were in my head. I couldn't falter, not with so much left to do. They were like the sea monster of legends, deep in the ocean. I'm surprised the Triton Steve rigged up for me held together. He and Garrus and Javik were relying on me.

  
I know I surfaced, but it was still cold and dark. It wasn't just my vision, it was around me, still in my mind even after they withdrew. I barely remember Garrus moving me to safety. The next thing I knew, he was leaning over me, helping me sit. No, I don't think I'll be doing that again any time soon.

  
Karin said I was fit, but that I need rest. I just sent Anderson and Hackett my report, and now I have a warm naked turian snoring in my... _our_ bed. Maybe I should go back to him. Funny, something so ancient and massive made me almost forget what the warmth felt like. Our lives can be so short, but they're far warmer than anything those old bastards know.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope by now that everyone's played the Citadel DLC, because this chapter is pretty much major spoilers to anyone who hasn't. It was actually a little difficult to write, but you'll see why. As always, thank you for reading and for your feedback and compliments.

[Open Log]

  
We've been running around taking care of errands for people ever since this war was conceived. Get this chemical antitode, stop this Cerberus cell, rescue these Elcor from Dekuuna. I'm running a bit on autopilot after 2181 Desponia, feeling a bit unlike myself. I know Garrus has noticed, and he hasn't said anything in front of the crew, but he's keeping an eye on me.

  
He's so good to me.

  
At any rate, I think I'm not the only one in need of a recharge. The Normandy has been ordered to the Citadel, and apparently Anderson's apartment on the Wards needs someone to stay in it. I feel guilty, considering where Anderson is and what he's doing, but Hackett ordered the shore leave, and denying it when I have an entire crew who could use it would be foolish. I'm heading there by myself as soon as we arrive, but I still have this nagging thought, one I'm almost afraid to voice.

  
What are we going to do when the Reapers decide to reclaim the Citadel?

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
This place is amazing, far bigger than I need, but the spare bedrooms mean I can have some of the crew staying somewhere comfortable, too. It's a place we can all relax at. Anderson said it was mine now, that he and Kaylee were planning on settling here. I don't know about settling down or even if we'll survive the war, but I can see me and Garrus spending some time here. It it's still standing after the war, it'll be a good place to come home to for a while.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
A HOT TUB. I think I could live in this thing forever.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
What the hell was I thinking? Of course I don't get any real shore leave or vacation. I can't go anywhere nice. Not like complaining will make it any less different. I just need to think, get my thoughts out.

  
Okay, so it started with meeting Joker for dinner at that sushi place, Ryuusei (nice name, "shooting star"). We were set up, but warned by a certain Staff Analyst Maya Brooks. Not really enough time, and it still ended with me falling through a fish tank and landing several floors down in the Wards and fighting my way out in a dress. I ditched the heels, because no one is effective running around in heels, even low ones.

  
I can say that this is a day full of firsts. I've never fallen through a fish tank, and I've never been in a shoot out in a used car lot.

  
Ugh, ok, what's next? Garrus met up with me, Wrex showed up when it turned out the C-Sec car was a trap. We made it out, got back to my place, and... I have a freaking out Staff Analyst in my living room who said someone's stealing my files, all of my identity, compromising damn near everything I need to do, and there's this weapon I pulled off one of the assholes shooting at me. Who were those guys, anyway?

Okay, looks like Liara and Brooks have something.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
My feet hate me. I hate these shoes _so_ much.

  
So yeah, Elijah Khan, the arms dealer who sold the weapons to a merc group called "CAT6", is dead. Someone has it out for me, and we don't know who, just that they're after my identity and... maybe more. I don't know. I hate not knowing. What I know is the kind of damage someone can do with this information, and not just to the Alliance or the Council, but to the people I care most about. I'm going to be documenting this, making sure I have a backup of information just in case things go south.

  
I don't really know what to think about this Maya Brooks, either. She seems like an enthusiastic rookie, and she's personable and helpful enough. I can't quite place that accent of hers. She sounds a little Mid-Atlantic, but... hm. I'll have to ask where she's from.

  
At any rate, EDI and Brooks are pouring over Khan's drives for intel. I really want to see shipping manifests and contracts, see if we can find more clues as to who wants to be me.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I never want to go through anything like that again. There's something horrible about watching yourself die. I mean, it wasn't _me_ , but... maybe if things in my life had gone differently, it'd have been me. She just... let go. Didn't even _try_.

  
Okay, I should rewind.

  
Someone was using my Spectre auth to get into the Citadel Archives. Turns out it was a clone from when Cerberus rebuilt me, and Maya, or whatever her real name is, made her or put her together. Whatever she did, they were working together. The clone had to change my fingerprints to hers since everyone, even genetically identical people, have different prints, and then she locked us up and ran off to steal the Normandy. Without going into too much detail right now, Garrus, EDI, and I got in, fought our way through the ship, and then Clone-Me and I had it out in the cargo bay. We were falling off, and Garrus came to help me up. When I tried to help her, she just... gave up. Was taking over my life the only thing she had to live for?

  
I'm never going to forget what that looked like.

  
So now I'm buying Traynor a new toothbrush (we had to use hers with its little mass effect fields to break into the Normandy). This is, of course, after we changed back my fingerprints and are making sure the clone's pulpy remains are incinerated and rendered unuseable. We don't need any more clones. Miranda assured me she doesn't know of any other clones out there. Everything is pretty much wrapped up except for this.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I guess I couldn't keep it in. Garrus is doing wonderful things to my feet, and he hasn't left me alone all night... don't give me that look! Yeah, I keep a journal. I might even show it to you one day, smartass.

  
As I was saying, Garrus has been the Best Boyfriend Ever tonight. Sometimes even hardasses like myself need to vent, need to get things out that's eating away. I'm still having nightmares. I'm still feeling shaken up by the Leviathans and the clone and... shaken, but still steady.

  
I think it was in the Archives, seeing everyone above me opening fire on the mercs, that really drove it home. I used to think I was on my own, even in a squad or on other missions. Now I don't feel that way. I've got the best damn crew in the galaxy, the best ship anyone could ask for, and a family with ties deeper than blood, given that we've shed enough of it for and with each other.

  
 _No one_ hurts with my family, especially not while wearing my face.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to dedicate a couple of chapters to Shepard's shore leave. The last bit was a scene that popped into my head while listening to Regina Spektor's rendition of _Halikha LeKesariya_. You can listen to it at the start of [this video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBbvE_Xx__c).
> 
> This one is pretty short; I wanted to get it in words before I lost the feeling.
> 
> Note: I had to remove the Girly Night bit. I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. =D

[Open Log]

  
Second day of shore leave. One would think I'd be going crazy by now, and one would be right, so I've come up with things to do. I've been spending time with a lot of the refugees, trying to keep their morale up, trying to help people how I can with food and supplies. I've picked up toys for kids and medicines for those who need it, and... well, I've visited the sick and dying quite a bit, too.

  
I ran into Jacob tonight, of all people. I let him win that stupid robot game so the kids with him would be impressed. I think he earned it. I'm not going to even start about Zaeed at the arcade or Traynor's epic win. My team loves their games.

  
I also might end up in a Blasto movie. No comment. I may throw Javik out of the airlock for this.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Shore leave has a way of bringing people into my path, it seems. I've seen Jack a few times, Tali finally got me to watch _Fleet and Flotilla_ , and I saw Kasumi in action. I've been in the arcade off and on or doing that battle arena thing. Is this how normal people live? No wonder people on the Citadel still don't seem to be looking too closely at the war. There's still so much life here.

  
I still have a horrible feeling that the Citadel is going to be a target. I sent a warning to the Council.

  
Garrus and I had a date. A real date. An actual date that does not involve shooting things. Apparently James found out that I learned how to do a tango for some stupid military function, and he taught Garrus the dance. We were doing one of those little roleplay things, pretending we just met, that kind of thing, and next thing I know, he has me dancing. Me. _Dancing_. And he's damn good! It's one thing to flail around on the dance floor when you have no free coordination; but something with steps and real choreography, that's a lot better, that and a fabulous partner.

  
Needless to say, I pounced him the moment we were back at the apartment.

  
Why am I not in bed now? I've been feeling more and more that these things that are happening in my life must be recorded. If... if we don't make it, then this can go with Liara's little boxes, hopefully give someone a clue if I've fucked things up somewhere.

  
I hope I haven't...

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I went to Huerta and checked the names of admissions, and one jumped out at me. He was a rabbi, an old family friend. He performed my father's _brit milah_ , his _bar mitzvah_ , my parents' wedding, my naming ceremony... almost three generations of friendship. Rabbi Moshe had to have been missing most of his right leg, and his right arm was gone, too. Apparently, I got there just in time.

  
Now, it's not like my family was super religious; our Jewish traditions were a way to keep us linked with humanity, to remember the story of our people and make sure the hardships from the old stories and history didn't happen to other people. Seeing him there brought back so much, made it really hit home how many people are losing friends and family out there. Aren't the Reapers bent on genocide? Isn't that something we know about?

  
I witnessed his last words, held his hand for his last breath. I called my mom as soon as I came home, even though we'd talked this morning. With all of that, the tune of Hannah Szenes's _Halihka LeKesariya_ poem comes to mind.

  
 _Eli, Eli, shelo yigamer le'olam_  
 _Ha'chol veha'yam_  
 _Rishrush shel ha'mayim_  
 _Barak hashamayim_  
 _T'filat ha-adam_

My God, My God, I pray that these things never end:  
The sand and the sea,  
The rush of the waters,  
Lightening of the Heavens,  
The prayer of Man

[Close Log]

  
\----


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since my BFF was over at my place reading the fic, I thought updating it might be in order. Sorry for the continuity mix-up in the last chapter; it's been fixed now.

[Open Log]

  
I want to throw a party for everyone while we're on leave. I don't know jack shit about parties that aren't a bunch of soldiers with a few bottles of whiskey, so I'm doing a little digging. Liara sent Glyph along to help me, so at least I don't have to have "how to party" in my Extranet browser history.

  
I'm going to relax even if it kills me.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
So much for Shore Leave. I sent Hackett the word: the asari Councelor asked me personally to retrieve something from Thessia at a temple, one dedicated to their goddess, Athame. Liara said this place is a big deal, and I'm inclined to believe her, so whatever's there has to be important. I'm not leaving her out on this job, not when it's her homeworld, and as much as I want Garrus at my back, I'll need him with the Thanix in case the Reapers notice us and get uppity. I hate going without him, but he understands, even agrees that this is the right course. I'm taking Javik with me. Team Biotic Badasses, woo.

  
Normandy had to be taken out of its various diagnostic modes and put back together, but this mission is big enough that we can't _not_ do it, not with so much riding on whatever information we could receive. What if it's about the Catalyst? She's got a great crew, but again, that's why I'm leaving Garrus up here.

  
All right, here we go. Time to get armored up and kick some Reaper ass... or whatever they have that counts as an ass.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
"Garrus, _keelah_ , have you been here the whole time?" Tali's voice called out.

  
Garrus looked up, pausing the log. It wasn't where he wanted to stop, but Shepard hadn't been forthcoming with what happened on Thessia. She'd been too angry, a fire in his eyes he knew full well from his experience with Sidonis.

  
"Yeah, I want to see her when she comes out of it," he said. "I thought you were hitching a ride to Rannoch."

"No, not yet, not until I know if Shepard will recover," Tali said. "I brought you something to eat. What are you doing?"

"Didn't realize I'd forgotten," Garrus said, a bit sheepish. He opened the small box, taking a bite of the meat inside. "I'm listening to Shepard's journal. She transferred everything to me before the final run. I don't know, it's sappy of me."

"No, I should leave you to it. Have someone call for me _when_ Shepard is awake," Tali told him, rising. "And eat, you _bosh'tet_!" She was still laughing as she walked off, not waiting for an answer, and Garrus returned to his listening.

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
That. BASTARD. Fucking Kai Leng! I'm going to gut him myself, I swear. For the first time in years, I want blood on my hands, and I want it to be _his_. I want it to be my omni-blade in his gut. I want him bleeding out just like Thane did. I want... I want...

  
I want to be better than this. I want to look at the bigger picture. I want to be above revenge, because the stakes are so high. I can't focus, but... Goddamn it, Thane deserved better!

  
Okay, Jana, breathe. Focus.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
Amazing what a freezing cold shower will do for one's mood.

  
So yeah, Reaper forces everywhere. Dead and dying asari everywhere. Everyone's asses in the fire. Mayhem.

  
There was a prothean beacon at the temple, and the VI, Vendetta, inside it still functioned. The Catalyst... the damn Catalyst, almost in our hands! He took it. Kai Leng took it.

  
I'm seeing red again, and... and when he's gone, his boss is next. Kai Leng is dangerous, needs to be taken out, and I _pray_ I'm the one that gets to do it. The Illusive Man? I don't know. He needs to be stopped. Maybe he can be... no, I don't think there's redemption for him. 

I'm not perfect. I'm human. I get angry, I feel loss, and I'm so tired of being angry and so tired of losing.

  
It's Saren all over again.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
I could kiss Traynor. I really could. She's tracked Kai Leng to the Iera system. Since Sanctuary is the only thing there, that's where we're heading. I spoke to Anderson, too. I've spoken to the crew. They're all looking to me, and I have to shake it off, have to keep moving.

  
Liara's in understandably bad shape as well. She and Javik had it out, and then she and I had a long talk. She's staying here when we get to Sanctuary. Garrus and Tali are with me on this mission. I'll need them.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long to update. School and real life have both kicked my butt hard, but I had inspiration! It'll be over soon! Thanks for sticking with me this long. Also, I had to futz a bit to make the Citadel party fit in. Then there's the bit about why Garrus was sleeping in his armor. Why can't we have naked turians?

[Open Log]

  
I'm feeling raw and on edge. Sanctuary was... ugh. First of all, Miranda's sperm donor was there, Henry Lawson. What a charming man. He was working with the Illusive Man to find a way to control the Reapers, or at least control their forces. People had been lured to Sanctuary with promises of protection, but instead were being experimented on. It was sick. I wonder if the husks screaming might have been remnants of who they were, crying out at what was being done to them.

  
As luck would have it, Miranda was there, having tracked down her father there in her hunt for her sister, Oriana, and was also taking advantage of the chance to try to send out warnings about the place. When we finally caught up to them, Miranda was in a standoff with Lawson as he used Oriana as a shield. I was able to get him to let her go, and Miranda took advantage of that chance to end him permenantly. I can't say I'm disappointed, nor can I say I blame her. As for Kai Leng, he made it out, but not before Miranda put a tracker on him.

  
We're giving the pair of them a lift to the Citadel while Traynor evaluates what we've obtained from Sanctuary. Hopefully we're not too late.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
The Normandy is limping, so leave was reinstated for some much-needed repairs. Miranda's tracker crapped out, meaning it was either found or at least anticipated, so Traynor will be analyzing the data. Given the repairs will take a couple of days, I'm going to throw that party I thought about. I mean, we're pushing against Cerberus, the galaxy is falling apart, and everyone's on edge. We need it.

  
Of course, in the middle of getting ready for everything, Miranda and I had a girls' night. Turns out we actually both suck at being girly, but we did have a good time and a good chat. Got a few things in the open once we were done at the casino. Garrus was waiting for me when I got back to the apartment, so it was watching stupid vids and talking gun mods and then a little less talking...

  
He does know how to get my mind off of things _quite_ well.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
My boyfriend is insane. Make that, my boyfriend and Zaeed are both insane. I'm sorry, they want to do _what_ to my apartment? Had to shut that down. Then there was Kasumi chasing James around (which was cute, I might add), Tali drunk and with a tattoo, and... wow. It was an amazing night, just what we all needed. Best of all, I woke up again to my favorite turian naked in my bed, though I did stub my toe on one of his boots.

  
Some savior of the galaxy I am if that'll take me down. Hah!

  
Once hangovers have worn off and everyone's ready, we're back to the Normandy. Traynor left early to finish analyzing data and tracking Leng, so hopefully this means we can take him and his boss down soon. We're all refreshed and fired up. Time to take advantage of that and take down Cerberus.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

[Open Log]

  
We have him. Oh _hell_ _yes_. We know where the bastards are hiding. Admiral Hackett was right, though: this is officially the first wave of our assault on the Reapers since it'll clue them in to the Catalyst. That's okay. We knew it was coming. We've been preparing for this. Now I have work to do.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Oh, Garrus. If I'm dead and you're listening to this, you're the best boyfriend ever, and I love you.

  
I'm so sorry.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost there! We're past the actual journal. Thank you to everyone who stayed with me through this!

[Open Log]

  
I may have been a bit sappy. I don't care. Had to be said.

  
We're on our way to take out Cerberus. The Illusive Man is _fucked_ right now. Taking EDI and Garrus with me on this. I would have liked Tali, but EDI knows the systems Cerberus uses and she knows Cerberus itself. She'll be a big asset, and I trust her.

  
I had to stop and think about that for a moment. When EDI was first installed on the Normandy, I really didn't know what to think, but she proved herself, learned from us, and she's _still_ learning from us. Joker loves her, and he used to call her 'it'. Now... well, I won't say much more about having overheard him asking Mordin for advice.  
Mordin, I wish you were here. I miss you and your singing.

  
So yeah, I don't know if I'm going to get another chance to make an entry. If we do, I have plenty to say, but not enough time to say it right now.

  
Time to rip the heads off of Cerberus.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
Going to Earth. The Illusive Man warned the Reapers. He's working for them, with them, I don't know. Don't care. The Citadel is the Catalyst, and it's closed and over Earth.

  
This is it.

[Close Log]

  
\----

  
[Open Log]

  
The fact that so many of us survived to reach Earth is wonderful, but not unbelieveable. I have complete and total faith in my team. We're going to kick it in the ass.

  
So Garrus, assuming you're alive, and you better be, this is public. You play it for the others, those who were there with us.

  
[Pause Log]

  
\----

  
[Continue Log]

  
I'm going into this expecting to die. I didn't say I want to die, but I'd rather not have any unrealistic expectations. I want to live to see you all again and see Earth and Palaven and all of the others worlds rebuilt.

  
To the dead: Ashley, Mordin, Thane, Pressley, Dad... even Jenkins and Nihlus - You're all with me at this moment. All of you. You know what's in my heart. There is a saying: "May your memory be for a blessing", but I can tell you that your lives were a blessing to me and those who knew you. Thank you.

  
Samantha - You're smart and gorgeous, and if I wasn't taken by a very handsome turian, I'd have absolutely hopped in that shower with you. Stay alive. Earth will need you.

  
Steve - I'm glad you were able to move on. You shouldn't live in the past with regrets holding you back. You're the finest shuttle pilot I've ever met, and I'm lucky to have known you.

  
James - You, sir, have more than earned your N7 as far as I'm concerned. You've been at my back since leaving Earth, and I want you there with me on the final push. Besides, you'd never forgive me if I denied you this. Thanks for teaching Garrus how to tango.

  
Javik - I might not have always understood you, but it was an honor to work with you. You do your people and their memory proud. Live.

  
Allers - I let you on my ship to help in the war effort. I think that turned out to be a plus. You're going to be a voice for the future. Don't mess this up. Keep everyone united.

  
Ken and Gabby - Can't address one without the other. You're a cute couple and a damn fine pair of engineers. I've left it in your records that you two should never be separated on duty. If you two see Gardner again, tell him I missed him on the Normandy. See if Kelly survived.

  
Grunt - My tank baby. If there was ever a maternal instinct in me, it was all focused on you. I'm proud of you, and you're an asset to both my crew and to Clan Urdnot. Give 'em hell, kid.

  
Samara - I'm sorry for all you've lost. When this war is over, take some of it back. Be with your daughter.

  
Zaeed - Can't say much. You're a tough old pain in the ass. It was a pleasure to work with you.

  
Kasumi - Don't spend too much time in those memories. Keiji would want you to live. Like you yourself said, you're nostalgic, not dead.

  
Adams - Thanks for coming back to the Normandy. I know, not much choice, but it's not the same without you.

  
Jacob - Take care of your lady and your baby. Earth will need you.

  
Miranda - We may not always have seen eye to eye, but we became friends despite ourselves. Take care of your sister and yourself.

  
Jack - Your kids are something else! I'm glad you found a focus for that anger, and I'm glad those kids have learned from you. You've come a long way from the woman we thawed out at Purgatory.

  
Karin - My drinking buddy and favorite doctor, and in a way, surrogate mother. You've been there for me in ways I can never repay. Thank you.

  
Joker - You are the best pilot in the galaxy and a huge smartass. Wouldn't have you any other way. Be happy with EDI.

  
EDI - Watching you become more organic in nature has been an amazing experience. You've earned every single moment of it, and I'm proud to know you.

  
Wrex - Drinking in the cargo hold, exchanging war stories, learning about your people... You're like the awesome older brother I never had, and you're definitely one of my best friends.

  
Kaidan - We had our falling out, and we came back together as friends. I'm sorry for hurting you. Thank you for being there for me when it counted.

  
Liara - Okay, Miss Shadow Broker. That job suits you like a tailored glove. I feel almost as if I've gotten to see you grow up from the awkward scholar to the self-assured information broker. You'll always be a sister to me.

  
Tali - Speaking of sisters, you are definitely as close to me as a younger sister. You've earned your place as an Admiral, and you'll be the one to guide the Flotilla to successful and productive residents on Rannoch. Keelah Sel'ai.

  
Anderson - You've been like a father to me since I've known you, and all I can do is thank you and tell you that you were the one I looked to as what an Alliance officer should be.

  
Mom - I love you. I miss Dad, too. He would have been proud of your command. I'm proud to be your daughter.

  
...

  
Garrus - my mate, my partner, my best friend. You know what I'm thinking. You've understood from the get-go. I want you there with me, but I want you to live. I won't go without you, of course. There's no Shepard without Vakarian.

  
...

  
There's the alert. It's time to do this.

  
[Close Log]

  
\----

  
That was the last entry Shepard recorded. Garrus remembered what happened after the alarm went off. They met, Shepard chose the ground team. They'd lingered closer to each other, unspoken words passing between them, and then it was action. He and Vega were right behind her, covering Shepard as the group darted for the beam, dodging Reaper forces, gunfire, and Harbinger's main weapon.

  
_No matter what happens..._

  
He shoved the memory aside and put a hand to his side, feeling the mostly-healed injury. After the Normandy crash-landed, Dr Chakwas worked to patch up all of the injuries, including the heavy ones he and Vega suffered dodging a flying tank. EDI was no use, functionally dead, and everyone left Joker time to himself to mourn her, though both Tali and Traynor insisted they could save her. Neither of the two stopped working, even when they approached a half-rebuilt relay that amazingly got them to Earth. That was three weeks ago.

  
The first thing he did was demand what happened to Shepard. They'd found her, they told him, dragging herself out of the rubble near where the beam had been. She was incoherent, talking about a choice, and then passed out once informed that the Reapers were gone. Of course, no one also told her the Geth and other synthetics were gone, too.

  
Anderson had also been found, a memorial already established in his honor. Garrus thought absently that he was sorry to have missed it, but realistically nothing would have removed him from Shepard's side.

  
The turian kept watch from his post, patient as ever, listening to Shepard's logs while he watched a steady stream of doctors, cybernetic experts, and various others coming in and out of the operating theater. Miranda Lawson was there for most of it, stopping only to take short naps so that she made no mistakes. He appreciated her consideration.

  
He nearly jumped when Miranda appeared at the door.

  
"We've done what we can. All we can do now is wait."

  
\----


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You've all been quite patient, and I've been super busy with a new job, but I do have the epilogue done... only to realize there will be one more chapter! So please, read on! This is short, of course, but intentionally so.

There were no more logs to listen to, and Garrus desperately wished there were. He wanted to hear her voice, even as she recovered in a drug-induced sleep in the bed he sat by. He considered replaying a certain entry, maybe one of the ones before she died. He considered it carefully, and then dismissed the idea. Why listen to a voice of the past when one from the present might make itself known.

Instead, he looked at Shepard thoughtfully. Before, when he first met Jana, she had long waves of near-black hair, worn in an ever-present topknot. He saw it in it's full glory the first night they shared together, before the Omega-4 Relay. It was fascinating stuff, he considered, and being able to play with it felt like a secret guilty pleasure. Then they’d been separated, and she came back with it at chin length, the waves more pronounced, almost curly. It was still fascinating, and even here, with her comatose, he still liked to touch it.

Now it was short, even shorn in places unevenly, leaving the top longer but the lower ends and sides almost baby-smooth. There was a network of scars across her face, some caused by repaired cybernetics, but more caused by shrapnel damage from a very close explosion. One eye had been replaced with a fully cybernetic eye covered with natural tissue, presently hidden by a thick bandage. A diagonal gash peeked out from just above her eyebrow, traveling under the bandage and to the side and top of her nose. 

He remembered letting Miranda vent when she admitted to him that the Alliance had only called her in as a last resort, that she could have done more for Shepard had she been contacted right away. As it was, she’d been fighting time and injuries, and more than once considered that it might just be Shepard’s time. Of course, that ended up being unacceptable with threats of incarceration pushed upon her.

Garrus sat there alone with Shepard, back to listing to her breathe, watching her pulse in his visor and on the machinery nearby, and he was caught between wanting to wake her and knowing she needed to sleep more. He couldn’t help but feel selfish; he earned her rest, but still people were demanding things of her, him included.

He started talking to her. He talked about some of the things she’d shared with him through her log, talked of regrets, talked of moments he treasured. Mostly Garrus talked about the beach and where they would retire, assuming people would stop harassing them now that the war was over (and he knew they would not). There was no stopping except for physical needs and the occasional visitor. Night fell, and he, too, fell, nodding off in mid-sentence, forehead resting near her hip. 

His dreams were full of Jana, full of memories and hopes for their future, and the final one was of laying together in her —  _their_ — bed on the Normandy. He was curled up to her hip, her fingers running along the spikes of his crest. 

“I’m not dreaming,” he said aloud, eyes opening. Of course not. He’d fallen asleep there next to Jana while she recovered. 

  
“Neither am I,” a hoarse voice croaked, the stroking paused for a moment before she found herself being gently nuzzled by a very happy turian.


	38. An Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finished! Thanks for everyone for being patient with the story! I'll write more before too long.

[Open Log]

My name is Jana Shepard. I'm 32 years old. I was born 11th April, 2154 on the Alliance Frigate Odyssey to Solomon and Hannah Shepard, both officers in the Alliance Navy. My father died in 2176 during the Skyllian Blitz while on shore leave, having brought a small resistance group together and survived just long enough for reinforcements to arrive. My mother is still alive and is currently XO on the SSV Kilimanjaro. I am a graduate of the Systems Alliance N7 special forces program (5923-AC-2826), rank Commander, and was assigned to the experimental SSV Normandy as XO under Captain David Anderson. I became a Spectre. I took over the Normandy. I…

My memory has some holes, but I remember most of the last few years (those I was actually alive for) decently. I told the Brass that I didn’t remember much after the Beam run, just that Anderson died at my side, the Illusive Man was there, the bodies, the Keepers. I told them there was an AI present, told them I destroyed it. I didn’t tell them there were options. In my mind, there truly were no other options.

My mission was to end the Reapers, not control or not to play God with the entire galaxy. I think I might still be beating myself up over EDI if it wasn’t for Joker. Apparently she left backups of her memories, all of them transferred and hidden under his Fornax subscription, a place she knew only  _he_ would look. Tali is working on trying to restore her, but even if she succeeds, there’s no guarantee EDI will be, well, EDI.

Some of the geth did survive the destruction. There were reserve forces beyond the Perseus Veil where they’d been hiding before Sovereign drew them in. These have also received Legion’s gift, and apparently contacted the Admiralty Board a day before I woke up. They offered to start repairing the Mass Relays, but instead found there are actually Keepers on each one. I guess ancient cosmic gateways need regular maintenance, too.

Garrus has been at my side constantly, and I finally shooed him out to spend time with Victus, who is still here on Earth. He told me about the crash, told me about EDI, how we lost one crew member but the rest lived. Repairs took a while, but they found a functional Mass Relay and got home.  Of course, that set back the Sol Relay’s repairs, and the Normandy was limping back the rest of the way. Right now, the Sol Relay has enough juice for a few jumps to get various races back to their home systems before we run out of dextro foods and medicines. Repairs are slow, and the krogan…

Ugh. I’m not supposed to be worrying about any of this. I’m off-duty, on leave, temporarily retired, recuperating. I’ve lost an eye, though Miranda did a good job at fooling most people. I can activate a readout in it if I want to, like that visor Garrus wears. I have some scars, one almost identical to the gash on my face I got at Akuze. New biotic implant. Joints replaced. Spine repaired. Yadda yadda. Whatever. 

I feel like I died again and woke up after losing time, but this time, no one’s looking to me to do anything but lay here and get better. Yeah, they want to know about the Citadel, about the Beam, about how I returned. For once, with nothing to do, I don’t feel useless. I just feel  _done_ .

I think I’ve earned the right to be  _done_ for a little while.

[Close Log]


End file.
